Worst: Yeah Right, Randy Orton Doesn’t Have Friends
I refuse to believe that The Big Show is the problem in a team with Randy Orton AND Sheamus in it.
What’s Big Show’s big issue? He’s a guy who got made fun of a lot in his career, so he’s this gigantic killer in the ring, but he’s also very, very susceptible to being shamed. This causes him to freak out emotionally sometimes and punch folks, but ultimately he’s a good guy … he’s just been hurt too many times to let it show. Boom, clear character development.
What about Sheamus and Orton? The wee baby Sheamus is a sassy, crybaby five-year old who got his start attacking people from behind with a lead pipe. At the height of his popularity, his most noble act was to steal a Mexican guy’s car, take it for a joyride, eat Mexican food and shit specifically-Mexican food INTO the Mexican guy’s car as a racist joke. Orton’s even worse. Orton pretends to be a snake, poops in peoples’ gym bags, went AWOL from the military and then got all the way to the “I’m supposed to be starring in this army movie” announcement stage of starring in a military movie because he assumed nobody would care, because he is more important than the Army. He also once handcuffed a guy to the ring ropes, assaulted that guy’s wife in front of him, then made out with that guy’s knocked out, assaulted wife.
So THESE guys are the chummy everymen, and BIG SHOW is the one who is a loose cannon we might not be able to trust? What’s the worst thing Big Show’s ever done? Say he hates the fans? Hug Hulk Hogan too hard with the help of a tall mummy? Come on.
Best: THAT’S WHAT HE CONTINUES TO DO
Mark Henry squashed both Uso brothers, including the one who got a D-U (SO!)-I, in about a minute. They got in some offense on him, including a few superkicks a la The Young Bucks and a splash a la Tamina Snuka for a nearfall. Mark got back into it by grabbing one of them on the ring apron and throwing him into the guardrail like a sack of laundry. He got the pin with a Worlds Strongest Slam, then kept doing it and splashing them while yelling hateful things.
I loved it so much, you guys.
This is all I ask for in my Mark Henry segment … that someone thinks they are good enough to wrestle Mark Henry, finds out they aren’t, then get slammed/splashed repeatedly while Mark yells funny stuff I try to remember. HE DOESN’T GET SPLASHED, USO BROTHER. THIS IS WHAT HE DOES.
Worst: I Am Probably Not Linking To Another Team Hell No/Primetime Players Match
Two horrible things here:
1. Team Hell No wrestling the Primetime Players has become the “Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston” of tag team matches. Originally it was fine, but now they ONLY do this, and I’m super, super tired of it. And I like all these guys, that’s the worst part.
2. Cole and Lawler spent the early portion of the match talking about how Rufus ‘Pancake’ Patterson was here last week, but that we should try hard to forget him. Lawler even called him “the forgettable Pancake Patterson.” This is 1.0 PIF. Obviously Jerry did not listen closely when Mr. Patterson explained how he got the nickname Pancake*.
*IT’S BECAUSE HE FLATTENS FOOLS
Best: Cesaro Wins A Match! Cesaro Wins A Match!
When they announced another Champion vs. Champion match, my heart sank. Surely, this was an another excuse for a “top” guy to soundly defeat a secondary guy with a championship belt, because there is no war but WWE class war. Then, I thought maybe they’d do a thing where Jack Swagger jogged out and cost Del Rio the victory, and Cesaro would get to Neutralize the World Champ and put him away, getting Cesaro back on track AND setting up a Cesaro/Del Rio match for WWE Payback or WWE Conspiracy Theory or whatever they’re calling that post-Mania pay-per-view. WWE Lethal Weapon 3. Anyway, that’s what they did! Sort of!
Cesaro didn’t get a definitive win by any means, but he did take the match via count-out, which allowed him to do an hilarious soccer celebration that not even one WWE cameraman cared about.
A win’s a win, though, and now Cesaro gets to look strong the next time he … oh, wait, what? What do you mean the segment isn’t over?
Worst: Alberto Del Rio Is Officially A WWE Main-Eventer, I Guess
Aaaaand then the other foot came down.
Del Rio responded to Jack Swagger’s interference and beating-up of his pal Ricardo by using what he learned in WWE Babyface 101 — he went back into the ring, attacked the guy who beat him in the match and put him in a submission to try to break his arm. For no reason, other than that he was mad. You know, the kind of reaction HORRIBLE PEOPLE HAVE. It was totally unnecessary, and I can totally picture one of the WWE Creative guys going “aw man, Del Rio’s gonna look like a PUSSY if he helps his friend! How ’bout when he helps his friend, he goes back into the ring and shows that dirty foreigner that he’s tough and cool!”
Note: That sentence was probably followed up with, “Del Rio’s supposed to be a white guy now, right?”
I want more like this!
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