Worst: Triple H Has Come Out Of Retirement To Put His Career On The Line, But He Doesn’t Really Care, Because He’s Super Smart And Tough
Worst: Please Enjoy This Footage Of You Being Literally Buried, Wade Barrett
So, who’s up for a paragraph about how stupid it is to have a guy who is a retired legend and also still the toughest and smartest and funniest and coolest guy and the show AND ALSO THE KAYFABE BOSS OF EVERYONE ELSE ON THE SHOW encountering the Intercontinental Champion for no f**king reason, refusing to show him any respect, then kicking him in the nuts and posing over him to his music RIGHT BEFORE THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A MATCH THAT PEOPLE CARE ABOUT. WHO WANTS TO READ THAT PARAGRAPH.
When wrestlers get mad at the Internet for blowing things out of proportion and getting too upset about stuff, they’re right. I get it. I get upset about more stuff than most, but I understand that a lot of it is my own perspective and opinion, and that WWE isn’t always catering to me. But sometimes Triple H is a colossal piece of shit and should have enough pull in the company and length of dick to 1) NOT want to kick his IC champion in the nuts to assert dominance before that guy has to wrestle and get over with the fans, and 2) suggest something better. Like, I don’t know, NOT KICKING YOUR F**KING IC CHAMPION IN HIS BALLS FOR NO REASON BECAUSE HE IS NOT AS COOL AS TRIPLE H.
I was going to do an “imagine if John Cena was Triple H, and Dolph Ziggler was Wade Barrett, how mad would you get about it” joke, but nope, that accurately describes the last three months of Raw.
Worst/Best: The Goddamn IC Champion Lost Clean Again (After Being Kicked In The Nuts), But At Least Miz Is Getting His Shit Together
So yeah, Miz is looking better. That’s good. All I wanted from a Miz face turn was a change in his in-ring style, where he stopped doing wacky poses for no reason and turning to the hard camera to hit all his moves, and just sorta naturally let the crowd tell him where to go. He’s not there yet, but he’s working on it, and I’m fairly confident in his ability to regularly lock on a figure-four now. That’s good. I’m still going to make fun of him for not knowing how to do it FOREVER because that’s how the Internet and jokes work, but he’s got it. He’s even attacking the legs sometimes, which is nice, and a lot of his counter sequences were built around getting flash opportunities to take out the knees, and that is EXACTLY how a babyface Ric Flair should work.
On the other hand, Wade Barrett continued his streak of holding the Intercontinental Championship and never winning (with a -2 to all attributes because he got kicked in the nuts by his boss for no reason moments before). He probably could’ve lost to the Miz last week and let the Miz have the Intercontinental Championship, then went off to NXT or Impact or wherever to live off his punishment for Dead Man Down not being a spectacular success, right? Miz could win matches and logically hold a title, and Wade could come up with another horrible finish with a horrible name and prep for his comeback. Give him a one-legged dropkick and call it the POSTCARDS FROM A YOUNG MAN.
Worst: LOL So Hard At This Team
Zack Ryder, Justin Gabriel and The Great Khali. How depressing is THAT?
My working theory is that Khali got confused, thought Zack Ryder was Natalya, thought Justin Gabriel was Hornswoggle and just followed them out. My other theory is that it wasn’t actually Khali at all, but Santino and JTG in a large trenchcoat.
Best: At Least The Shield Didn’t Have To Use DNG To Win
For anyone wondering, that’s the “damned numbers game.”
I’ve been worried about The Shield and their random inability to win a fair fight. I’m going to hope they keep being unstoppable killers in matches (that finish on Gabriel was pretty gnarly) and are just a little too quick to bail from impromptu fights when their attack plan doesn’t work. Like, they can’t call an audible on the fly so they back up and regroup and start over. That makes sense, right? They aren’t really “losing” the fights, they’re just not being stupid and throwing punches until they get hit with finishing moves.
There are a lot of opportunities for me to be upset at WrestleMania, including (in order):
1. Ryback beating Mark Henry for any reason
2. Triple H’s posing after he beats Brock Lesnar, and Lesnar runs away crying with broken candy jar glass in his eyes
3. some backstage thing where Zack Ryder fist pumps with the Duck Dynasty guys or whatever (sample dialogue: “quack quack quack, you know it”)
4. the tag team title match being moved to the pre-show, and Daniel Bryan never, ever getting a good WrestleMania match
… so I’m gonna be optimistic and hope “The Shield losing to these jokers” isn’t on there. I think Big Show throwing in as the heel with “common enemies” is just a red herring for that Randy Orton heel turn, where he turns out to be the ACTUAL leader behind the Shield, which doesn’t make sense, but think of how funny Randy would look in a flak jacket. Or better yet, Sheamus, Randy and Big Show all simultaneously try to turn heel on each other, realize that they really ARE good friends, and go out for drinks with The Shield.
I want more like this!
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