I was hoping to sit on Teen Wolf a little longer for the stretch run of 73 Sports Movies in 73 Days, not because it’s a movie that I particularly like or even remotely care about, but because it is one that has always left me scratching my head. I know, you’re probably thinking, “Whatever could confuse you about a movie that deals with a high school werewolf using his supernatural powers to be good at basketball?” But this movie still bothers the crap out of me.
Starring Michael J. Fox as the titular lycanthrope, Teen Wolf was the story of Scott Howard, the average, all-American boy who simply wanted to be popular and good at basketball, but only once he achieved those goals and touched the top of the mountain did he realize that being average isn’t such a bad thing. Especially when you’re actually a godless killing machine.
The Many, Many Questions We Could Ask About Teen Wolf
Why did everyone at that high school seem to have no problem with a werewolf running around?
Did no one think it was disturbing that Pamela was totally turned on by a werewolf?
Wouldn’t the police and National Guard have gone insane and locked the entire town down the moment that a supernatural beast exposed himself?
Is Stiles the most obnoxious sidekick in movie history?
What kind of nickname for a girl is Boof? That would make me think she’s a slut. Did she pick that nickname for herself? Who would nickname a girl Boof?
Did no one think it was disturbing that Boof wanted to be with a werewolf in the end?
Why was Scott Howard suddenly awesome at basketball when he became a werewolf? Was he awesome at all sports or just basketball?
Could Scott have been able to play in college or the NBA as a werewolf or are there rules against that?
How bad did Scott smell? Did he always smell like a wet dog that rolled around in garbage since he could sweat, too?
So everyone was totally cool with the werewolf until he actually attacked someone? Nobody thought before Scott attacked Mick that a werewolf might be dangerous?
How many teenagers died or were seriously injured in 1985 after attempting to surf on top of a van?
And I’m sure there are so many more that we could ask about this ridiculous (but fun) 80s comedy. But I’m only really concerned with one question right now…
Was Mick McCallister The Oldest Looking High School Student Of The 80s?
As I’ve previously written in one of these exercises in filling my morning hours with entertainment (or the exact opposite in the case of Caddyshack 2 and The Scout), 80s movies and TV shows had a splendid knack for pretending like actors in their 20s and 30s could pass for high school students, leading me and many other 90s high schoolers to be very, very confused when we showed up for freshman year and realized that almost every student was just a tiny, miserable dork. Except the few kids with back hair, but I digress.
As I watched Teen Wolf today, I couldn’t get past the fact that Scott’s nemesis, Mick, looked like he could have been Ron Livingston’s uncle. He easily looked 30 – which makes sense, because McCallister was 28 when this film was released – which would have been more realistic if this movie took place in South Florida. But what I began to wonder as I also asked myself whatever happened to Pamela was, “Is Mick the oldest looking 80s high school character?” So I made this quick list to examine this question and hopefully come up with an answer.
You know, in the name of science.
Robert Rusler as Max in Weird Science
What’s funny about this is that Rusler was 19-years old when he appeared in Weird Science, while Robert Downey, Jr. was 20. Maybe it’s because he’s shorter, but I’d have picked RDJ as the younger guy every time.
Jake from Sixteen Candles
Michael Schoeffling was only 23-years old when Sixteen Candles was released, but he looked like he could have been Molly Ringwald’s pervert English teacher.
Josh Brolin in The Goonies
I’m actually amazed that Brolin was only 17 when The Goonies came out in 1985. I’m amazed that he’s only 45 right now. The guy looks like his blood is 100% pure grizzle.
Richard Tyson in Three O’Clock High
Tyson was 26-years old when he played the a-hole bully in Three O’Clock High in 1987. To put this into perspective, he was playing Detective John Kimble’s adversary in Kindergarten Cop only three years later. Also, he may be Channing Tatum’s father.
Adam Baldwin in My Bodyguard
Seven-years before Tyson played a bully, Adam Baldwin protected a geek from Matt Dillon in My Bodyguard. Except Baldwin was only 18-years old when this movie came out, meaning that he was always a Baby Huey (or possibly a movie blogger that we all know).
Nic Cage in Peggy Sue Got Married
Cage was 22-years old when this film was released in 1986, but he’s the kind of guy who’s hard to imagine having ever been in high school.
John Cusack in Say Anything…
John Cusack played the high school hopeless romantic rather well, but by 1989 he was 23-years old and looking like a super senior. Also, Cusack as a kickboxer should probably be addressed one of these days.
Sean Penn in Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Like Cage, Penn is just impossible to buy as a high school student, because he was 22, which is like 40 in self-entitled young actor years.
Clayton Rohner in Just One of the Guys
Amazingly, the guy that I immediately thought of as the only possible actor who looked older than McCallister was Rohner, and like McCallister, he was 28-years old when he played Joyce Hyser’s high school love interest, Rick (the man on the receiving end of one of Hollywood’s greatest reveal scenes), in Just One of the Guys.
Verdict: It’s a toss-up between McCallister and Rohner, but if I had to choose between them at gunpoint, I’d pick McCallister because he didn’t get to see Terri Griffith naked at prom. God bless you, Clayton Rohner.
(But at some point in the future, we will also need to address Terri’s “college” boyfriend.)
I want more like this!
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