Best: Enzo Amore’s Head Is Now A Labyrinth, And Suddenly He’s Feuding With A Sawft Bulgarian
Speaking of guys I never expected to like this much, here’s Enzo Amore with a haircut Jack Torrance could get frozen and die in. Enzo has a pretty funny backstage segment where he continues to make us smile by saying stupid words with so much enthusiasm you can’t help but enjoy them, even bringing out the awkward charisma of Scott Dawson. Sylvester LeFort (described as sounding “like the chef who sings about cooking Sebastian the crab in The Little Mermaid” by the delightful @erinprovolone) offers Enzo and Big Cass (aka Little Test) a spot in his group. He’s got a lot of openings now that Dawson and Garrett Dylan have been combined into one dude. Enzo turns them down — bada boom, realest guys in the room — and Dawson retorts with the most Braden Walker shit you’ve ever heard:
“Wull you two nerds, y’all committed a 5-to-10, boys. Beat ya brains in for 5-to-10 minutes ya Jersey Shore wannabes!”
Enzo and Cass get super upset about this (because of course they do), and that leads to a match which Enzo loses because (1) Enzo always loses matches, and (2) a board-slinging Bulgarian Muay Thai sumo dude showed up out of nowhere to attack them. I can’t think of a bigger upgrade than Garrett Dylan to Alexander Rusev in terms of guys who aren’t doing anything in NXT and want to keep their job before Samuray Del Sol and Sami Callihan show up.
Quick note: Sami Callihan’s NXT name is gonna be “Solomon Crowe,” which is the most hilariously Bioshock name ever. I hope he hails from Columbia.
Best: Sami Zayn Vs. Bo Dallas Is Daniel Bryan Vs. Triple H In Developmental
I’m glad you read my polite enjoyment of Scott Dawson’s dialogue before you got to this part, because every aspect of Sami Zayn’s post-MOTYC interview with Renee is spectacular. Points include:
1. How nice Sami Zayn is to Renee. He flirts with her, but only by proxy of being a SUPER GENTLEMAN, and that’s a thousand times more palatable than Sheamus being all C’MON RENEE, KISS ME BLARNEY STONE WINK WINK on Smackdown. I love that he always says hello to her personally when she interviews him, and how when the crowd gets all Saved by the Bell crowd about his compliments, he responds with “come on!” and a smile. Everyone should be nice to Renee. It should be a thing you have to do.
2. Sami Zayn making his NXT Championship intentions clear, because YES PLEASE.
3. Bo Dallas showing up and looking like one of the Bee Gees.
Best: “Everybody Loves Me! Everybody LOVES Bo!”
4. “I was saying Bo-urns” becoming canon. I can’t tell you how much I love this. WWE developmental has turned a festering pile of one-gloved shit into lemonade by making Bo Dallas a smiley, insincere guy who doesn’t know the crowd is booing him, so he just goes about his business of being a fiery babyface and making them hate him more and more. I think this is the most overt they’ve ever been with Bo being delusional, so I’m sure within a month we’ll see him hitting people in the face with belts when the ref isn’t looking or whatever, but whatever. Right now he’s gold.
I think I laughed at every word out of his mouth. “You lost, friend!” and “a cuppa people on the innernet said you had a good match” were both killer, and his point that they don’t interview the loser at the Super Bowl is actually pretty valid. Zayn DID lose the match. Why should he get a title shot?
I like how Zayn’s handling it, too. He’s clearly got the crowd behind him and sees Bo’s delusions, so instead of being all GET YER BALLS OUTTA YER PURSE BO, he brings up the very real facts that Bo has no idea what’s happening around him, and that Bo is scared. If you need confirmation about Bo’s internal monologue, watch his face when Sami says that. It’s really great acting, honestly, and I’m starting to understand more and more how Bo Dallas and Bray Wyatt came out of the same lady’s womb.
Best: Jack Swagger Of Developmental
5. I think I included like 8 things I liked, so consider this number 13 or 14, or wherever we were. Zeb Colter interrupting Zayn makes perfect sense, both from the “HE’S AN ALLEGAL” and “the Real Americans aren’t done with you yet” points of view, and I liked him purposefully mispronouncing Zayn’s name and dropping “if that is your real name” again, like anybody at that job’s name is their real name. Do you really think Renee’s last name is “Young?” She is Canadian as f*ck.
Swagger showing up from out of nowhere was a little predictable, since Zeb came out to Swagger’s video package and all, but it was welcome. Zayn vs. Swagger could be every bit as good as Zayn/Cesaro, so I’m excited to see it, and excited for Swagger to hang out in NXT for a while and get his working boots back on. He’s too good to be as super worthless as he is to the company.
And before I forget, man, if Sami Zayn doesn’t end up beating Bo Dallas for the NXT Championship, “riot” doesn’t even BEGIN to cover it.
Worst: An Ascension Beatdown Featuring Corey Graves Is A Huge Step Down From Last Week’s Main-Event
The show ends with a Conor O’Brian singles match (not good), wherein he gets pinned by a guy half his size without that guy even having to use his finisher (what) for no reason other than to set up post-match stuff (boo) and further a tag team feud (BOO) involving Corey Graves (F*CKING BOO). After last week’s main event it was kinda like going to see a great movie, then taking a shortcut through an alley and having your parents get shot. Yes, I just suggested NXT is turning me into the Batman. What else am I supposed to write about?
Next week’s show should begin with Corey Graves entering the building, then having the entire building collapse, demolition style. Stock footage and everything.
I want more like this!
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