Worst: Somebody’s 9-Year Old Niece Sings The Star-Spangled Banner
If you haven’t been watching Total Divas, meet “Jojo,” a woman with the physical appearance, stage presence and athletic ability of a middle schooler who is supposed to be an “underdog,” but sorta comes across like the Cait Sith to Eva Marie’s giant stuffed moogle.
Jojo started the formal pay-per-view portion of SummerSlam with the most American-Idol-ever rendition of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ The only upside is that maybe season two of ‘Total Divas’ has an episode about Lilian Garcia getting pissed about this and throwing her weight around. Also an upside: nobody’s letting Jojo wrestle.
I know this is catty, but could somebody teach her how to stand up straight? Her shoulders are right up next to her ears.
Best: The Asbestos And Asworstos Of Raw, Or
Best: YOU’RE WELCOME
I didn’t enjoy the 30 seconds of Kane squashing Titus O’Neil necessarily, nor do I enjoy the cop-out “ring of fire” match that allows for Inferno Matches without anybody catching fire and assumes Harper and Rowan can’t figure out how to bring out a few heavy blankets, lay them over the fire trough or whatever and just step over them, but I do ever-so-much enjoy Kane solving the age-old wrestling problem of “how to avoid being attacked when the lights go out.”
… and the reiteration, from the SummerSlam predictions:
What I Think Will Happen: I’m confident in a Bray Wyatt win, although I’m guessing it’ll be through a gang attack anyway. I’d love it if Luke Harper came out with a bunch of heavy blankets and just laid them over the fire ring, crossed over and beat up Kane as usual. They can be smart AND cultist hillbillies, you guys.
If I am allowed for a moment to speak from that absurd, imaginary place in my brain that thinks WWE writes and produces their shows after reading my reports — that same place that named Cody and Damien “Rhodes Scholars” and made The Shield arrive at a show in a helicopter — holy shit they let the Wyatt Family do my idea. This is easily my favorite thing of the night, because I am a self-centered asshole who got an out-of-left-field prediction right, and I’ll be happy to continue booking the Wyatt Family via comedy sports blog.
Tonight on Raw: Harper and Rowan squash R-Truth and somebody. Maybe Kofi. Make it so.
Best: Bray Wyatt Is The Devil Now
Two good things about this faux inferno (infer-faux?) match:
1. By utilizing basic logic skills, the Wyatt Family found a ridiculous loophole in the FIRE KEEPS BAD GUYS AWAY match, assured us that they are not literally Frankensteins, and rendered the Ring Of Fire match obsolete. How are they supposed to do another one? Just book it to feature stupid people and hope they didn’t watch the first one? Who’s gonna be in it, Cameron?
2. Bray Wyatt won, but that’s not the important thing … he beat one of WWE’s two supernatural characters in a battle of Who The Devil Loves Most WHILE SURROUNDED BY ACTUAL FIRE. If you haven’t gotten behind the Wyatt Family’s schtick yet, perhaps the dude riding a corpse as the world burns around him might do it. Good stuff. Way better than the somewhat-burning kendo stick handle, at least.
My only complaint, I guess, is that Bray couldn’t do it by himself. I know he’s wrestling Kane and everything, but WWE fans have been conditioned to believe that nobody bad can get the job done on their own. Even Brock Lesnar, a guy who can legitimately lug fully-grown trees around on his shoulders as exercise, can’t beat the Skinny Fat Waffle House Fry Cook without weapons and outside interference, because he’s bad and the other guy’s good. If the roles were reversed in this match, Wyatt would be totally fine and Kane would need several guys to help him. That sucks. Especially when you’re trying to get a guy over as a deadly monster in his first main-roster match.
But whatever, Bray Wyatt won a SummerSlam match in a ring that was on fire.
Best: Cody’s Not Mustache, Or
Worst: Is … Is That It?
I’m very happy Cody Rhodes has shaved his mustache, because he’s way, way too good to be “the guy with the mustache.” I hope the crowd chanting a derisive chant in SUPPORT of him during a match not involving him directly was the last straw. I’m also happy that he got a strong win, because ancient prophecy tells us that one day someone will use Roll The Dice as their finisher and be a big star, and Jesus, it’s taking forever.
At the same time … is that it? Is that the end of the Rhodes/Sandow beef? I don’t want it to be. If Cody moves on to challenging Dean Ambrose or whatever and Sandow continues losing every match he has while holding the briefcase I guess I’ll understand, but I want the issues to refocus and worsen. We’ve got a lot of time to kill in the autumn, and there’s no reason why Sandow shouldn’t go nuclear on Cody tonight and keep it rolling. Basically what I’m saying is that Sandow cannot reference Dusty Rhodes on WWE television and not eat a series of bionic elbows at Survivor Series. One from Dusty, one from Dustin, and one from Cody’s mustache.
Sorry, from Cody.
I want more like this!
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