Worst: Ryback, Food Waster
Are the Ryback Food Fight segments going somewhere? Is Ryback gonna saunter backstage one day and be all, “HEY LITTLE SCRAWNY WIMP, I HEARD YOU SAID MY VEST IS STUPID, YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, HUH” and start shoving locals around only for one of those locals to be SAMI ZAYN, and then 20 seconds later Ryback’s getting booted in the face and brainbustered onto the catering table.
But yeah, when you pick on NPCs and you tap out to Miz dropkicks during matches, there’s this huge gap between what you’re doing and what you can be. If Ryback’s picking on random dudes backstage and CRUSHES guys like Miz, only to be stopped by your John Cena types, that could be something. But as it stands? You’re booking one of the biggest, gnarliest guys on your roster as Scut Farkus.
Yes, Miz is absolutely Ralphie.
(Alex Riley is Randy.)
Best: BASS VARSE THE BASTE
BIG FIGHT FEEL~
Punk VERSE Lesnar was great, and was (as empty as this compliment seems when you read it out of context) exactly what it needed to be. Punk got to look like a fighter out there, hanging with a guy who for all intents and purposes should be able to snap him in half in a heartbeat. Lesnar got to look like BROCK LESNAR and actually win a goddamn match for once, showing why he’s the guy worth millions of dollars for three matches a year without having to massage Triple H’s prostate while doing it. Heyman got to be hilarious and do things like this:
And it made sense! Punk used the No Disqualification stipulation to his advantage (because, honestly, he should’ve prepared for it … when was the last time Brock Lesnar wrestled a match where he could be disqualified? 2004?) and survived Lesnar’s onslaught long enough to turn it around and exploit Lesnar’s glass guts. That same passion and determination was his undoing, however, because he let Heyman’s shitty interference distract him enough to leave Lesnar alone with a steel chair, and that was all she wrote.
Very, very good stuff. Two quick Worsts, though (don’t worry, only one of them is really a Worst):
Worst: Brock Lesnar Does Not Wrestle 40 Times A Year
Lesnar should be wrestling on a regular schedule, and I wish it wouldn’t cost them a billion dollars to make it happen. Lesnar murdering Heath Slater on Raw is something I’d like to see. Lesnar versus Luke Harper would be great, Lesnar/Zayn could be borderline brilliant (especially if Brock showed up at Full Sail for it), and on and on. Lesnar obviously doesn’t have shit’s-interest in helping anybody grow, but a guy who sleepwalks through his commitments and gets everything against a bunch of young guys struggling to eat on developmental paychecks would be something else. Man, why’d you spend so much time wrestling Triple H, Brock? To prove somebody else’s point?
Worst: I’m Still Not A Fan Of Most Of These Moves
Speaking of matches I want to see Brock in and probably won’t get the chance to, watching Lesnar/Punk really made me want to see Lesnar/Bryan, to see how good Lesnar is when he’s fighting a guy who (1) is actually good at submission wrestling, and (2) does not keep trying to knock him out with lazy leglift highkicks. Every time Punk just lifted his leg into the air like he’s doing a toe touch and Lesnar had to sell it like Sweet Chin Music I felt a little sadder inside.
I love Punk as a wrestler, but I can’t stand almost every move he does. The big offenders here (besides the high kick) was the Macho Man elbow, which has reverted back from mild competency to total, irredeemable garbage. This was maybe his worst elbow ever. Dude just fell off the ropes sideways and dropped a fully extended armpit. Horrible.
I also have an issue with all those MMA holds, as fun as they were, is that they almost always put the guy doing them into a pinning position. Watch when Punk’s trying to triangle choke Lesnar … the referee keeps doing the little “make sure his shoulder is up” gesture, and good for him for doing it and justifying it, but yo, your hand is NOT under Punk’s shoulder. Punk was down for a six count before you even got in there.
Worst: The Dorito’s Jacked Bold Potato Chip Plant Really Enjoyed The Dolph Ziggler Match
THIS GUY, HIS GIRLFRIEND, HIS FRIEND AND HIS BROTHER all really enjoyed having “better than front row seats” for the mixed tag match. They could’ve just inserted the cast of ‘Dads’ and it would’ve been as believable. Check out the guy in the nondescript red hat turned backwards! He totally wears that in real life! He loves Dorito’s! The Bold Fan got his blood pressure checked, so WWE is cleared to let wrestlers land knee-first on a splash! Look at him explaining the match to his girlfriend THE ENTIRE MATCH and pumping his fist. He’s a BOLD FAN!
God, I wanted The Shield to hop the rails and f**k these guys up so bad.
I want more like this!
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