Worst: Triple H’s Involvement In The Match I’ve Been Wanting To See For Years Did Exactly What I Thought It Would
John Cena and Daniel Bryan put on a SPECTACULAR match, and I don’t have a single complaint about it. They called back to their Velocity match (!!), Cena broke out a f**king Batista Bomb, they got into a slap fight for the ages and my favorite wrestler in the world pinned the face of the WWE for the last 10 years CLEAN, right in the middle of the ring, with KENTA’s Busaiku Knee Kick. Please know that no matter what else I type, this is the most fantastic thing and I love it with my entire heart.
The problem isn’t even with what happened. If you missed the show and for whatever reason are reading my snarky shit for news, Daniel Bryan won, Randy Orton teased cashing in, Triple H pedigreed Bryan out of Extremely Obvious Nowhere and Orton won the belt. Bryan was WWE Champion, but only for a couple of minutes, and now Evolution is more or less reformed with Vince, Triple H and Randy Orton all in cahoots. Tomorrow’s Raw is gonna start with 80 straight minutes of Triple H explaining what he did and why, followed by other characters saying what THEY think about what Triple H did. Amazingly, I’m not too bent out of shape about this. I expected most of it. That’s not me saying “weh weh obviously I knew what was gonna happen, smark smark smark,” I just expected the worst, because the worst was logical and bound to happen, and I got it.
The problem is that Triple H’s involvement did what I thought it was gonna do … it dulled my ability to let go and enjoy what should’ve been one of the greatest moments of my wrestling life. When it was just Cena vs. Bryan, the possibilities were endless. Would he win? Could he make Cena tap? What was Orton gonna do? It was exciting. Then Vince, Triple H and Brad Maddox sorta congealed into a big shitty raincloud and floated over SummerSlam, and my ability to suspend disbelief went from YES YES YES to NO NO NO in an instant. It became “what will Triple H do?” No “what will happen with all these other guys and also Triple H,” just “what would Triple H do.” And there was only one answer: Triple H would turn on everybody and be the guy people were gonna talk about the next day.
That sucks a lot for me, and for you, I think. The story isn’t bad. We’ve got a lot of fun Daniel Bryan: beloved hippie babyface versus The Evil Corporation ahead of us. You never know, WrestleMania could end with Bryan tapping Triple H, retroactively justifying all the contempt and sadness we felt getting here. Remember how it felt when Benoit beat Shawn Michaels and Triple H to win the championship? It was f**king magic, not because Benoit was good at “workrate,” but because he was OUR GUY and he finally, finally triumphed over the living embodiment of NOT OUR GUY. Team USA beating the Russians. I ran around in the yard cheering and crying after that match.
I can do that again, right? I want to do that again. I want to YES and mean it.
Best: That Said, Daniel Bryan Is Now A Former World Heavyweight AND WWE Champion
Best: An Additional Joke
What was with Triple H’s giant ref shirt? It looked like when somebody tries to put a removable t-shirt on an action figure.
Best: Smarten Up, Dixie
Dixie didn’t book this. If Dixie had booked this, Triple H would’ve pedigreed Orton and cashed in Orton’s briefcase on Bryan, only to immediately be challenged by Dan Henderson via a series of cryptic Vines. Then Orton would show up with the belt on Monday and we’d pretend the rest of it didn’t happen.
Make me feel better about Daniel Bryan losing the WWE Championship right after he won it, TNA jokes.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
If Kane wins we Wyatt
Due to the lights, a mildly confused Sin Cara wanders out to the ring. Attempts to enter ring. RIP Sin Cara.
We should’ve cheered for Triple H when he wanted us to
Carnivore defeats herbivore through an assist from omnivore.
Punk should have come out to the old 90′s X-Men Cartoon Theme. If you think Fandagoing is infectious, wait until you have a crowd doing those dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN’s.
Uncle Joey Oughta Know
Ryback thinks he’s the pope of chilli town.
Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo
In Paul Heyman’s Bible, Pontius Pilate personally beat Jesus’s scrawny ass all across Jerusalem, and then won the “Nail Your Opponent To The Cross” match.
Man if Cena killed Bryan, that would make one awkward episode of Total Divas.
I must say, I’m really enjoying the hijinks of Bebop and Rocksteady on the outside here.
Who the hell let Brandon off the plane 15 minutes early?!?
Thanks, everybody. See you back here tomorrow for the Best and Worst of Raw.
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