Best, I guess: You lost, friend
Are we still pretending that Chris Sabin has never cheated to win a match? If this is the beginning of the realization that Chris Sabin is an opportunistic little sh-t who will use any means necessary to get what he wants but doesn’t understand why that’s a bad thing because people still cheer him…okay. Sure. This should be a best. Him having the retention rate of Tito Ortiz and trying to play the face when he’s clearly just a delusional asshole who got handed a brass ring and only retained the sense of entitlement that came with it is way better than the “you tried, you sucked, so let’s try something different because you are terrible when thrust into a singles championship role” reality of the situation.
Retroactive Worst: Velvet Sky at morning, viewers take warning
This is one of the things that made me sad about missing last week’s column, because I need someone to explain to me what the f-ck is happening. Our intrepid backstage interviewer attempts to find out why Velvet was suddenly pulled from the knockouts match, and why she wasn’t at Hardcore Justice. Assumedly she’s going to be taking over Brooke Hogan’s position of faffing about, dealing with her personal issues and pretending to know sweet dick all about good women’s wrestling instead of actually getting in the ring, which explains part of it. Asking her if her personal issues that kept her away from the free-per-view meant Chris Sabin? Guys. Guys. Chris Sabin was there. He was at Hardcore Justice. Can he only be encouraged/comforted over the phone? Via Skype? Can she only be a doting girlfriend when she’s cities away, logged into a Google Hangout? And why is this, as Velvet claims, “clever”? Am I taking crazy pills?
The worst part, of course, is that this is all pre-taped. That means someone watched this back and said yes. This makes no sense, but is a thing that should be on TV anyways. Step 1 in making TNA better: We can have lots of fun. Step 2: There’s so much you can do and the first thing should be firing that person.
Go ahead and assume that steps 3 through 5 are Aces & Eights dancing up a stairwell with a cutaway scene to Knuxxy playing air violin.
Unintentionally Hilarious Best: Chris Sabin and Velvet Sky
“This is crap!” and “What just happened?” are two things I also find myself saying when either of these two are onscreen.
Brandon Guest Best: Mickie James
If I had to name three things I love off the top of my head, they’d be
1. Cleveland, Ohio
2. heel Mickie James and her Virginia accent
3. wrestlers bragging about worthless awards
The first two are easy to explain; I lived in Cleveland for four years and fell in love with it (I know, weird, right?) and heel Mickie James is one of the best things going whenever she exists. The third one just takes a little history lesson. Every time a wrestler gets an award and lets it go to their head, it’s great. From King Booker suddenly adopting a British accent because he won a novelty wrestling tournament to Jack Swagger’s high school accolades to Owen Hart’s Slammy Awards, there are few things that work better than a dorky heel being super proud of something meaningless.
In this segment, I got all three. Mickie James wore the SHIT out of a pair of jeans and talked up how awesome Cleveland is, mentioning how she’s a shoo-in for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and showing us the MJA AWARD she won, which is clearly a f*cking spelling bee participation trophy with a picture of Mickie James glued to it. Am I NOT supposed to be all the way in love with that? What exactly do you want me to boo here, TNA?
Even Dirt McGirt was good here. I’m not her biggest fan, but a good role for her is “gruff regular person who thinks you should stop acting stupid, then acts stupid to rub it in your face.” Removing Mickie’s top and then yelling BAM as she grabbed her own boobs is certainly a better use of TV time than, say, Gunner, and we get a lot of that funny Diva “oh no, I’m showing less skin than normal but it’s AGAINST MY WILL so it’s HUMILIATING” trope. Remember when Candice Michelle spent a year wrestling in pasties and a postage stamp, but then she’d get her dress ripped off to reveal board shorts and a tank top and be all GASPPPP HOW COULD YOU, etc? Good times.
I want more like this!
Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.