Worst: Jay Bradley
I’m trying to find the tweet where Jay Bradley asserted that he was going to use the BFG gauntlet match to catch up in the standings despite having already been mathematically eliminated, which was then retweeted by Impact Wrestling’s twitter because I am not joking when I say no one who works for TNA watches this bloody show. But alas, it appears some kind soul informed him of his idiocy, and I’m left to feel silly for not screencapping it when I should have.
Jay Bradley is still a worst, though. Apparently there’s an ORGANISATION who is going to pay him A LOT OF MONEY because HURR DURR WHO DOESN’T LIKE MONEY MY HOT GIRLFRIEND DOES DID I MENTION I HAVE A HOT GIRLFRIEND ALSO BOOMSTICK IMPACT WRESTLING BOOMSTICK CHICAGO BILLY CORGAN THINKS I’M COOL DID I SAY BOOMSTICK ALREADY BECAUSE BOOMSTICK.
Aside from the email where you can book him for appearances and his One Hour Tees shop address, I have just summed up every Jay Bradley tweet/promo ever.
Worst: The Longest Battle Royal Gauntlet of Sadness and Ineffective Punches of All Time, or
Best: I love everything Joseph Park does except get eliminated, or
Better Best: This is Brandon’s favourite thing so here he is to write about it so I don’t have to reenact that King of the Hill scene where I stick my head in the oven, only for my boyfriend to wander in and point out that’s it’s electric
Wait, here’s a fourth thing to add to that Mickie/Cleveland/Slammys Best: I love battle royals. If you’ve ever read a column I’ve written within a month of a battle royal happening, you should know this.
The Bound For Glory thing stopped making sense to me a while ago, because TNA doesn’t have the vision or the attention span to actually book a compelling, multi-person story based on wins, losses and points totals. Adding points totals to wrestling matches that eventually build to these close, realistic sports moments late in the “season” is a GREAT idea, but you have to be smart and care about what happens outside of a two week bubble, and nobody at TNA is or can do those things.
That said, HELL YEAH BATTLE ROYAL. I liked this one a lot, because it made the guys who actually compete in TNA look better than the ex-WWE guys who just wandered in to keep working when they got shit-canned. The final four are AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Bobby Roode and Austin Aries. I like those guys on a sliding scale, but I like them a thousand times better than I like Jeff Hardy, Mister Anderson or Jay Goddamn Bradley. I especially liked how low on the “struggle” this was, and how Daniels just flipped people over and eliminated them like garbage. Because wrestlers don’t have trouble throwing you out of the ring 90% of the time normally, right? Even if you’re conscious of not getting thrown out, a guy holding your leg and leaning you into the corner for five minutes isn’t constructive or logical.
I’m also really enjoying FINAL FORM AJ STYLES, who is all previous incarnations of AJ combined into one, sick of this bullshit and willing to just Pele Kick you and dump you on your ass because he’s been here for a decade, these floors are dirty as hell and HE’S NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE. AJ should be able to summon big attacks like SUPERMAN ELBOW KAI and just obliterate dudes at this point.
Best: Webster’s dictionary defines effort as…
Despite the fact that this backstage conversation starts out like a shitty wedding speech, and we’re given the horrid mental image of Bully Ray pissing on something, Mr. Anderson is actually the standout in this part of the show. He’s trying to hold this club together as Bully’s fear and inflated ego are tearing it apart at the seams. His modicum of power means nothing next to Bully’s presidential standing. He’s tired and frustrated and, as someone who generally looks like they’ve gotten less sleep than a Warren Ellis main character (or Bad Seeds member Warren Ellis, because have you seen that dude?), it’s easy, it’s simple, and it works.
Again, if he hadn’t joined just for the free beer and STD scares, this would be way more moving, but hey. I’ll take what I can get.
I want more like this!
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