Best: The Chillow
It won’t turn your lazy cat into a ~crazy cat~, but goddamnit I swear if I would have gotten paid yesterday instead of today, I would have 100% spent the main event purchasing one of these bad boys. I want to be cradled in memory foam cooling comfort. I dare you to find one moment of this commercial that isn’t amazing. I am more invested in the saga of Demetrius V. and his weird sweaty sleeping issues than I am in anything that happened in the show’s tag match. I’m pretty sure Teri M. would never take that f-cking long to set up the use of an international object. And that lady has craaaaaazy distracting hot flashes.
Best: Austin Aries gets the rose
Truthfully I don’t watch The Bachelor, but I did watch that season of Average Joe: Hawaii where the girl chose one of the non-average fellows, but then they broke up because she had once dated Fabio. This has nothing to do with anything going on in the ring, but the memory of him stalking down the beach, kicking rocks and sulking in the waves because apparently the chance to get intimate with a legitimately beautiful woman (or love or something) is totally not strong enough to forget the image of Fabio getting hit in the face with a bird or whatever is f-cking glorious.
Worst: Magnus, you idiot
I’m proud of you for having the foresight to Google “cranky old man muppets” so you didn’t look like an utter fool when trying to get referential, but come on. Statler and Waldorf are the best.
Hey, Magnus, you have Medium Wrestling Matches. What are Medium Wrestling Matches? Oh, you know, your matches aren’t rare, and they’re certainly not well done!
BOOM. Nailed it.
Worst: You’re older than you’ve ever been and now you’re even older
At least they addressed the Slammiversary stipulation, and Bully Ray isn’t defending his title. But…you know, as a Person of a Certain Age, I’ve lived to see great things I’ve loved bow and break under the weight of passing time. Bands declining album quality, eventually breaking up, or kowtowing to mainstream pressure and releasing pop albums, the very kind of music they once lived as an alternate to.
It must be awful to have grown up a Little Stinger, only to turn on your television on a Thursday night decades later and see Old Man Sting with his weird blue booties and ugly Impact t-shirt shuffle around the ring. Wrestling gets pretty sad…a lot….but at this point it just seems mean. I know there are people who dream of getting to see or meet Sting because they never got the chance to, but if you love someone, is this really what you want them to go through? It’s said in rock & roll that it’s better to die than fade away. Lord knows we don’t need any more dead wrestlers, so maybe “It’s better to retire early and take a training/administrative/speaking role than it is to still be wrestling shitty main events and acting like you need to be put into a home”?
Mr. Anderson has the TOTALLY NOT FAKE hammer with him, but he strains and pretends that he just can’t quite reach Bully Ray, because he’s sick of his sh-t and HE wants the belt and HE’s gonna take it from him next week and whatever, can we take a second to address Tessmacher?
Worst: Well fiddle-deedee, whatever should I do
Brooke Tessmacher you are a grown ass woman and a f-cking professional wrestler. Even if you don’t think you can wrest the hammer away from Anderson, get in the ring and break up the goddamn pin instead of sticking your finger in your mouth, remembering that you’re supposed to be concerned instead of coy and sexy, and then just putting your hands on your head because you’ve never seen a wrestling match before ever. Jesus Christ. For every step forward the Knockouts take with great matches and legitimate characters, you’ve gotta shove them fifty steps back with your inability to do anything but wear short shorts and press your hands to your head while also carefully adjusting your hair so it doesn’t get too messed up by your “acting.” Come the f-ck on. Be more than a prop with a belt. Curtis Axel is a prop with a belt, but even he tries to remember that he is a wrestler sometimes. Do you wanna be worse than Curtis f-cking Axel? Get your goddamn head in the game, girl.
Best: I found that Average Joe video clip
Ahhh. That’s better.
See you next week!
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