Best: Enzo Amore’s Gear
I spent 20 minutes sitting here trying to think of something funnier to say than, “he looks like a lady’s underwear.”
The show opened with Enzo Amore and Big Cass going full B*A*P*S in a tag team match against Sylvester LeFort’s international team of fighting Legionnaires, and it, like Enzo, was a harmless little f*ck. Nothing much was accomplished, but the finish was interesting. Rusev and Dawson went for a Hart Attack version of Rusev’s spinning heel kick but they took too long to set it up, so the referee counted them out and disqualified them. I sorta like that, but the crowd had NO IDEA what had happened, because that NEVER HAPPENS. It’s like that “if you break up a pin more than once the referee will shoot DQ you” rule Harry Smith mentioned in an interview once and apparently everyone on the Internet but me knew about. Some things work better with precedent. I dunno, maybe this is to help set the precedent?
Also, if I had a dime for every time I liked this Enzo pre-match speech more than the last one, I’d have zero dimes. Although the idea of not being able to teach somebody how to be seven feet tall is pretty great. I guess he’s never seen the Radioactive Man movie episode of ‘The Simpsons.’
Worst: Mismatched Animal Print
Don’t do it. I haven’t been this bothered by mismatched clothing since Liv Tyler wore a red bra with white panties in Empire Records. It was Rex Manning Day, Liv, you knew you were gonna seduce him. It was premeditated! YOU HAD TIME TO PICK OUT AN OUTFIT.
Best: Look How Small That Referee Is
He’s like a nesting doll from inside Teddy Long.
Worst: Sorry, Brandon, None Of Your Favorites Are In This Episode
So yeah, one of the things I have to come to terms with on this week’s show is that the people I get all swoony about on NXT — Sami Zayn, Emma, Bayley, etc. — are nowhere to be found. Hell, Tyler Breeze only shows up in passing to forearm CJ Parker and bail. In their place are guys I find it difficult to get excited about, like Scott Dawson, Xavier Woods, Sasha Banks and so on. That makes the episode especially disappointing for me. That’s not helped by last week’s main-event, which was off-the-charts good.
The good news is that Paige shows up and Corey Graves doesn’t, so everything kinda balances out. Anyway, let’s talk about Bo Dallas.
Best: This Is Bo’s Show, And It’s A Bo-Nonsense Show!
1. considers himself a mentor to Sami Zayn
2. was only at ringside to cheer Zayn on against Jack Swagger
3. will happily give Zayn a non-title match when he’s healthy
4. will “be the first to sign” a petition requesting Sami Zayn get a title shot he doesn’t deserve otherwise
5. is still dressed like a Bee Gee
The only way this angle can end is with Bo falling off a skyscraper and exploding before he hits the ground.
Best: Renee Young Sells The Imaginary Flight Of An Invisible Bird
Believe it or not, my favorite single moment of the show involved CJ Parker. HOW DID I GET HERE.
CJP is backstage explaining his beef with Tyler Breeze to Renee Young, who has started differentiating her Raw ponytail from her NXT ponytail and don’t think I haven’t noticed. He uses one hand to illustrated Tyler Breeze, angry and stuck in stasis, and the other to illustrated CJ Parker, who is like a beautiful phoenix flying into the sun. He kinda bird-hands the hand into the air and he and Renee watch it fly away … then, in a moment of absolute comic brilliance, Renee also remembers TO SELL THE SUNLIGHT squints her eyes, loses sight of the bird and goes back to interviewing Parker without a word.
Renee sold imaginary sunlight. There needs to be some kind of legitimate, achievement-based Slammy Award so Renee can get it for being better at her job than anyone they’ve ever had.
I want more like this!
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