Worst: Fandango Should Just Change His Name To Randy Savage
Speaking of guys who never have great matches, here’s Fandango going from a feud with The Miz built around dance contests to a throwaway Raw match against R-Truth. Fandango’s going through the same thing as Bray Wyatt right now. He’s a fun, marketable character that the crowd wants to get into, but they can’t because he’s just farting around with these garbage throwaway guys all the time.
My suggestion: throw away all the throwaway guys. Ditch the driftwood veterans, hire some veterans you know how can actually work and connect with the crowd (like Goldust) and let your filler matches at least appeal to SOMEBODY. They don’t have to be 20-minute show-enders, but Christ, they can be more than an excuse for the crowd to stop paying attention and start chanting “Randy Savage.”
Worst: Do Not “What” Dusty Rhodes, I Swear To God
What I didn’t like about this segment:
1. Dusty Rhodes being “Virgil Runnels.” This isn’t CM Punk talking to Triple H, it’s PHIL talking to PAUL! All that other shit is fake! This conversation we’re having right now is REAL! Don’t mind the swat team or the 7-foot guy in the camo onesie, this is for-realsies.
2. Cleveland daring to “what” Dusty Rhodes. Dusty’s spent enough time head-honchoing at NXT to know the “change your cadence and snip their balls” move so he did that and everything worked out fine for him, but f*ck the hell out of you, Cleveland for not shutting your mouth when Dusty Rhodes is talking. Imagine talking to The Pope. The actual Pope, not the TNA one. That is the respect you should be showing Dusty Rhodes. I would probably show Dusty Rhodes MORE respect than The Pope, but I’m a guy who writes wrestling columns for a living, so stop listening to me at some point.
Best: Stephanie McMahon Is Still The Devil, And Big Show Is Still A Blubbering, Compelling Mess
What I liked abou this segment:
1. DUSTY RHODES IS SPEAKING. If he’s not wearing an nWo shirt or making somebody put their face in a donkey’s ass, there is a 100% chance that I am going to Best any instance of Dusty Rhodes speaking.
2. Stephanie McMahon continues to be the Sean O’Haire Sean O’Haire wishes he could’ve been. Nothing is more booable than Stephanie’s “business” voice, where she starts talking about being the daughter of a genius and the concept of sports entertainment and the “global phenomenon” or whatever. Add in a bunch of unnecessary interruptions, a few Last Temptation Of Christ offers of help and a default conversation ender of “Big Show’s gonna punch you now” and boom, she’s evil incarnate. Linda McMahon didn’t give birth to her, Stephanie came bursting out of Melisandre’s womb in a stream of black smoke.
How evil is that “you can give Cody or Dustin a job, but only one of them” question? Dusty was right to say f*ck the lemons and bail. Stephanie’s so good at cruelty face you’d think she was exactly like that in real life. Coughing sounds.
3. The Shield as a heartless pack of dogs. With chairs! My only regret is that Stephanie doesn’t summon The Shield with a remote control with just one big red button on it.
4. EMOTIONAL BIG SHOW~. This is the kind thing a lot of people rag on, but I loved it. Torn-up emotional Show really gets to me, and I’ve long said he’s the best actor on the show. Him standing up for Dusty and doing the damn thing himself instead of leaving a legend to a gang of creeps was powerful, as was that amazing embrace after the KO punch that worked for the story and was totally not because Dusty is 70 and can’t bump.
I hope the story continues until Mania with Show getting colder and colder to the orders of violence, then “coming to” at just the right moment and going Colossal Titan on every single bad guy in the room.
Best: LOL Natalya
My favorite non-wrestling moment of the show had to be the continuing saga of what happens when you put Natalya on live TV. In this installment, she sits down to color commentary and her headset doesn’t work, so she spends 80% of the match leaning over and yelling things we can’t hear. When she finally DOES get sound, she uses it to drop impossibly sad chestnuts like, “you’re just jealous because you’re not a Total Diva!” and, “AJ you are a title-holder, I AM BORN A CHAMPION.” Why not tell AJ that when the going gets tough, the tough get going, Nattie.
Hey Natalya, remember when you and Beth Phoenix were doing that thing where you were “real wrestlers” and the story ended up being that you were just jealous of how pretty and blonde Kelly Kelly was, even though you AND Beth Phoenix were blonde and at least in the subjective ballpark of Kelly Kelly pretty? Remember how bad that was? It is not so great to be the Kelly Kelly. You are the worst.
Worst: What’re The Chances Damien Sandow’s Briefcase Is Just Full Of Spiders And That’s Why He Can’t Win A Goddamn Match
Good ol’ Sound Guy Jeff feels the way I do. He decided to play Sandow’s music when the match was over in an attempt to reverse the decision, because there’s a good chance the announcer is a Pavlovian dog and would raise Sandow’s hand as a stimulus response, but nope, another sub 5-minute loss for the future World Heavyweight Champion. Boy, we’re sure gonna suddenly take him seriously when THAT happens!
I want more like this!
Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.