Best: Miz’s Hilarious Parma Parents
holy SHIT you guys
In this episode, we find out that Mike Mizanin’s parents are Dermott from ‘The Venture Bros.’ and Maggie from Marvels, instantly explaining everything we’ve ever wondered about The Miz. Remember that time he got all “accidental racist” on ‘The Real World?’ Look at his parents. Wanna know why he used to run around with his shirt off pretending to be The Rock? Look at his parents. Trishelle? Look at his parents.
I’m note sure I can love something more than I love Miz’s parents. His dad’s SPECTACULAR no-selling of everything is AMAZING. Randy’s literally punching his son in the face half a foot from this guy and he responds by standing still and having no f*cking clue what’s going on. A bear could’ve been attacking him and he would’ve just stood there. These are the most Parma people in history, ladies and gentlemen, and if you wanted to know what every person in my section looked like when I waited tables at the Orange Ave. Olive Garden, here you go.
I cannot WAIT until Maryse marries into that family. How’s that even gonna work? It’s like Beyonce marrying Sugar Bear from ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.’
Best: Randy Orton Is My Favorite Wrestler
Actually, I don’t know what I enjoyed more here, Randy Orton as death incarnate or The Miz as the cool kid from the trailer park who turns out to be poor and kinda sad. Just kidding, it’s Randy Orton.
Seriously, between the last month of great matches and this epic trouncing of my least favorite personality on the show, I am digging Randy Orton so hard. He just MURDERS the Miz here, bumrushing him before the match, Nigel McGuinnessing him into the ring post, punching him in the face a thousand times … WWE has finally found the perfect use for The Miz, and it is “being brutally beaten.” And just when I think it’s gonna end, Orton drapes a chair over his skull and drops Old Glory on it, effectively/hopefully putting Miz out for an extended period of time.
Remember when Orton punted Husky Harris, and then a year later Bray Wyatt showed up? Maybe Miz will disappear for a year, marry that beautiful French-Canadian model into his family of slack-jawed yokels and reemerge fully-realized as ACTUAL Chris Jericho.
Best: Paul Heyman And Ryback Are New Best Friends
Wait, I found something I love more than Miz’s parents. Paul Heyman kissing Ryback on the cheek.
It makes sense. These are the two most outwardly-affectionate characters on Raw. Remember how John Cena got all embarrassed when his beautiful teen girlfriend showed up in the men’s locker room, and he was all weird about Justin Gabriel seeing her even though they’re co-workers and it’s not that big of a deal? Ryback isn’t like that. He gave Vickie Guerrero a hug when she got fired. Remember Punk responding to a woman’s advances by being all YOU’RE CRAZY WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU all the time? Not Paul Heyman. Heyman screams I LOVED YOU in Punk’s face.
I say this because I need you to understand exactly how happy I got when Heyman kissed Ryback on the cheek and Ryback’s face just LIT UP WITH JOY. And then he stood up, FLEXED HIS MUSCLES FOR NO REASON and yelled that RYBACK RULES, presumably because he’d just gotten A SMALL AMOUNT OF AFFECTION.
THIS has been Ryback’s problem all along. When he says “feed me more,” he’s not saying he wants more jobber bodies to crush, he’s saying he needs to be emotionally fed more often. Nobody ever responds to Ryback like a human being. Maybe he’s telling the truth about hating bullies. Maybe he’s not “bullying” local talent at all. Maybe he just respects the business and thinks these 5-foot-nothings who’ve never been to the gym don’t deserve the spot he’s worked so hard for and eaten 40 meals a day or whatever to earn. Maybe if we saw both sides of the story we’d learn that the jobbers didn’t shake hands or were rude to the veterans, and Ryback’s the only dude confident enough to stand up to them.
Best: Ryback’s Homer Simpson Pants
Best/Worst: Curtis Axel Put On His Gear And Wore His Belt To Push A Wheelchair 10 Feet And Then Disappear
At least nobody put him into an impromptu wheelchair race with Kofi Kingston, I guess.
Best: The Tag Team Division Is Pretty Cool When You Pay Attention To It, Or
Worst: Brodus Clay Is The Worst Guy In The Ring By A Mile
If you don’t take anything else from last night’s elimination tag team match, take the knowledge of how much better Tensai is than Brodus Clay. Brodus plateaued HARD when he became the Funkasaurus, but for years Tensai’s been one of those Chris Masters types who doesn’t SEEM like he should be great at wrestling, but he suddenly IS, and is the perfect example of WWE “not using someone right.” “Not using someone right” isn’t exclusive to whoever got released most recently. Tensai’s got fire, he’s got a great powerhouse moveset, he looks weird as hell and can move. He should be doing something more interesting than being the slowest, most tired guy’s tag team partner, I think.
The good news is that Tons of Funk get eliminated pretty quickly, leaving us with another in a string of enjoyable little Real Americans/Usos matches that ultimately lead nowhere but are fun to watch. They couldn’t even settle on a stipulation here. The graphic said it was to become #1 contenders to the tag titles, but Cole was all, “winning this match gets you a chance at a championship opportunity somewhere down the road.” WOW, HOW PRESTIGIOUS.
And I’ll be honest, after watching Antonio Cesaro and Jack Swagger tear it up against Sami Zayn down in NXT, I just want to see them go HAM and wreck the f*cking Usos. The Usos are fine and all, but these guys are WRESTLING MACHINES. And what’s with showing the Cesaro giant swing during the commercial break? What’s the matter, is he almost getting over again?
I want more like this!
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