Best: Comparing Daniel Bryan To Doink The Clown And Suggesting He Should Challenge For The European Title Is The Ultimate Low Blow
I say some pretty negative stuff later on, so I wanted to make sure I had this here so people didn’t think I’d lapsed back into that he hates Triple H for no reason, no matter what stuff.
Triple H was clearly the best man on the microphone during last night’s open, something I can’t believe I’m typing with my fingers. I mean, I guess he didn’t have a ton of competition, what with Daniel Bryan being stuck on MAX SARCASM and Randy Orton being stuck on Randy Orton. He knows just the buttons to push to make NXT-and-unimportant-wrestling-history nerds like myself lose their shit, derisively namedropping the two best championships in modern wrestling history: the cruiserweight championship and the European championship. Oh man, I will go to my GRAVE defending the cruiserweight championship. That thing gave me good, baby-sized Rey Mysterio, it gave me a bunch of La Parka matches when I had no idea what a La Parka was, it gave me Jerry Lynn in a purple Kamen Rider jumpsuit, it gave me everything. El Dandy, Sugar Shane Helms (not to mention Good Hurricane), WCW announcers making jokes about how Super Calo’s hat and glasses never fall off, the works. The European Championship was WWF’s late-90s equivalent to the cruiserweight strap, where they’d put it on the cool, good-at-wrestling guys like Owen Hart and D’Lo Brown who never got a true shot at glory.
Doink the Clown was a great comparison to make for Bryan, too, not only because he’s the go-to example of ridiculous WWE gimmickry not involving turkey costumes, but because he was an acclaimed, talented technical wrestler who showed up to WWE and got stuck in some bullshit comedy he was never able to burrow out from underneath. That works for both guys, right? Sure, Matt Borne had to wear clown costumes at comic cons until he died, but at least he never had to live or die based on his facial hair or facetiously graduate from therapy programs on Raw.
I can’t diss Orton too much here, though … this is the most “into it” he’s been in years. Actually, it might be the most engaged he’s seemed in a story EVER, and for the first time in his life he sorta looks like he means what he says. I guess the trick was to make him say “Randy Orton’s handsome and deserves championships for nothing.” And you know what? Hey Daniel Bryan, your “Randy Orton can’t wrestle, he’s just a big gay!” talking point would probably work better if Orton wasn’t wrestling long matches every week now and trouncing everybody.
(No it wouldn’t.)
(Stop doing that, wrestler I like.)
Worst: Way To Break A Guy’s Nose, The Miz
SPEAKING OF WRESTLERS I LIKE, here’s the Miz, breaking Fandango’s nose EXCLUSIVELY ON THE WWE APP, THE WWE APP, A NEW WAY TO WATCH TELEVISION™. I think Miz and Fandango might be having the worst feud in the history of wrestling right now, and while I applaud Dirty Curty for not going all Sin Cara and bailing on the match at the first sign of injury, I’m depressed that his character might’ve peaked at Ann Dango and is more or less just window-dressing on a wrestler who has a lot to give and will spend the rest of his career sorta-dancing instead of ever giving it.
That said, he’s got a long way to fall in my eyes before he reaches Miz territory. Presented now are the six steps to a Miz figure-four leg lock, assuming this is one of those weeks when he’s completely forgotten how to do it.
Step 1: A drop toe-hold using no arms and no feet. Seriously, look at the placement of Miz’s hands. He just waves them around on the inside of Fandango’s shin and Fandango falls down.
Step 2: Scoot across the ring on your butt like a dog wiping his ass on the carpet
Step 3: ???
Step 4: ????????
Step 5: INSTANT CRITICAL
Step 6: Profit
Worst: Booker T Is The Worst Walter White Ever, Or
Worst: Why Is Booker T Even Here
Daniel Bryan’s sarcasm reached CRITICAL MASS, so he ended up facing Critical Mass, aka The Big Show. Before he could do that, however, Booker T, current NOTHING AT ALL of Smackdown, showed up to half-assedly quote ‘Breaking Bad’ and tell Bryan to totally chicken his shit and stay away from The Facgime.
First of all, why the hell is Booker T even AT this show? I assume being a Hall of Famer allows you access to whatever shows you want to attend, but couldn’t we at least have a wrestler even loosely associated with Bryan be the one to give him the “hey man, be careful?” All he got was Booker T and HIS OPPONENT. I know Kane’s injured, but Jesus, couldn’t Alex Riley show up and be all, “yo bro, this is just like that time I teamed up with the Miz, take it easy?” Couldn’t Darren Young show up and say “hey, remember when we were on NXT and the entire thing was built to make us fail? Yeah, they’re doing that to you on Raw still?” Nope, just Booker T, only here to once again force a wrestler to say his shitty, unpopular “tell me you didn’t just say that” catchphrase before vanishing into the foggy ether of Teddy Long conversations and XXL suits.
Best: Dean Ambrose, Interceptor
I love that The Shield has gone from “The Hounds Of Justice” to being the Mr. Burns hounds from ‘The Simpsons,’ being released on anybody who trespasses. I get that question a lot. “Why do The Shield say they’re fighting for justice, then team up with an evil corporation and do whatever Triple H says? Booking oversight?” And I’m like, “no, they’re bad guys and they lie about stuff. They want to win belts and have careers like everybody else.” WWE needs to find a way to retrain the audience so not everything the wrestlers say gets taken super literally.
Real talk, though, the best part of this clip is Justin Roberts seeing Ambrose before Ziggler does, going AW HELL NAW with his face and skedaddling without even TRYING to give Ziggler the heads up.
Worst: Totally Inappropriate Ryback Chants
Ryback gets two chants:
2. “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE, clap clap clapclapclap”
And, as a reminder:
1. Ryback originally got Goldberg chants because he was this big muscly bald guy mashing jobbers in a heartbeat, and that was appropriate. He abandoned that pretty quickly, and has spent most of the year as a threatening bully with a wishy-washy work ethic who feels like he’s been manipulated out of opportunities by management, but isn’t smart or noble enough to do anything constructive about it. Goldberg never had 1% the personality Ryback’s been given. The most personality Goldberg ever got was “he likes motorcycles.”
2. Hey WWE Universe, cut it out with this chant. You don’t know what you’re talking about. The only two people on the roster who deserve this chant are Eva Marie and Jojo. Everybody else called a wrestler (sports entertainer, whatever) “can wrestle.” They are wrestlers. Even the bad ones. My cat can do a better figure four than the Miz, but he “can wrestle.” Cena can wrestle. Dude’s held 65 WWE Championships. The thing is that YOU can’t wrestle. That’s why you are not wrestling. Don’t just chant this because a bunch of goons in the crowd still equate “having muscles” to negative wrestling ability.
I want more like this!
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