Best/Worst: Stephanie McMahon Is The Devil, And WWE’s Emasculation Of Big Show Gets Real
Good: Triple H brought up the whole “Big Show has an ironclad contract” thing in the opening segment, addressing a concern from the actual, real-life WWE Universe and continuing his “pay attention and reference things from the shows” act.
Bad: The definition of “ironclad contract” isn’t really holding. Originally, Show was humiliated and fired by John Laurinaitis, and when Laurinaitis needed somebody to keep Cena from repeatedly hulking up and smashing his shit, Show was able to leverage him into not only bringing him back, but giving him a new contract that disallowed any sort of authority figure from lording their power over him and making him dance like an idiot or jump through hoops again. That was the entire point. Not “he can’t get fired.”
Now, because they need one of the best actors on the show (Show) to get across how personally wretched Steph and H are, “ironclad contract” means “he can’t get fired.” But then it also suddenly means that he CAN get fired, if he doesn’t do what they say! And he’s upset about that because he’s gonna have to wrestle a wrestling match (gasp) against someone he doesn’t particularly want to wrestle or punch out, despite the fact that he’s wrestled him and punched him out dozens of times before, sometimes on pay-per-view. This is WWE openly, brazenly requiring me to forget that history before SummerSlam exists, despite constantly referencing history pre-SummerSlam.
Good: At the same time, Stephanie is THE DEVIL here, and Show, as mentioned, is such a good and compelling actor that I feel for him, and I want him to just Hog Log her into dust and be done with it. Put on a big iron glove that says CONTRACT across the knuckles and punch her head off like she’s a Powder Ganger who got too close. It’s the good wrestling show kind of furious support I’ve feeling for Show, though, where I want him to do the right thing and be a hero. Very few people get across the emotion of an angle like this better than Show.
Bad: well …
Worst: How Young Do They Want Us To Believe Stephanie McMahon Is, Exactly
At one point during her horrifyingly emasculating speech, Stephanie drops the fact that she and Big Show have been friends since he first arrived in the WWE, when she was 12. The obvious problem to pretty much anybody who heard the words come out of Stephanie’s mouth is that Show is 41 and she’s 36, which makes him five years older than her. So that means either:
1. Show debuted in the WWE when he was 17, meaning he is currently 31 years old and won the WCW Heavyweight Championship from Hulk Hogan in his first match when he was 13
2. Stephanie wants us to believe that she is like 25 years old, to which I respond looooool
3. Stephanie is physically 36, but she’s MENTALLY in her mid-20s, which would explain why Vince was stealing teddy bears from her and burning them when she was 22. Stephanie, like Jojo Offerman, is a Shoot Eugene.
4. Stephanie thinks Big Show is the Macho Man
Best: 3MB And The Prime Time Players Should Do A Run DMC/Aerosmith Thing
Titus and Darren w/ “doing this gesture gets you on TV now, because they HAVE to be faces” taunt took on 3MB in a passable, forgettable tag team match, which is fine because sometimes Raw needs those. Especially with LOS MATADORES looming, with their mission statement of “siphon the OLE OLE OLE chant away from Sami Zayn at all costs,” which explodes like Mission Impossible and future endeavors them when they’re done. Seriously, even JBL was planting the seeds of DO THIS CHANT when they were discussing them.
Anyway, I like both of these teams and I liked the match, even if not a lot happened. If Mark Henry’s too injured to go after the tag team titles with Show — WWE, do not make a 40+ year old 400+ pound man run, especially at house shows — the tag division needs to get its act together PRONTO. And Epico, and Primo.
Worst: Jerry Lawler Has A Casually Regressive Conversation During A Darren Young Match
Poor Jerry Lawler. You can hear him trying SO HARD not to just fall into his old ways and call Darren Young a fag, or … uh, a flaming fag. So he’ll just stammer under his breath and occasionally get out “heh, great move!” or something about his hair. Lawler tries to do the “Darren Young has NICE hair, Heath Slater DOESN’T” when it is super clear that Heath Slater’s hair is magnificent. No material!
But at one point in the match JBL brings up John Wayne’s real name, Marion Morrison, and Lawler gets all Man On Wire about it, teetering high, high above saying something awful with responses like “MARION?” and “I like John Wayne, but not MARION.” He was so convinced that JBL was bullshitting him, listen to it. It’s not something I’m upset about or whatever (so please, don’t think I am), but it’s a pretty clear indicator that Lawler’s got a long way to go before he’s able to say nice things about ladies or gay folks without a mic in his ear and a big list of DON’Ts in front of him.
I want more like this!
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