Best: Careful, Jojo, Don’t Fall Off The Stage Honey
be careful walking in a straight line, sweet child, you might break both of your legs
Worst: Three Weeks Of This In A Row Is Probably Too Much
So … yeah.
There’s a chance that this is all still going somewhere. There’s a chance that Cody’s firing, Big Show’s constant fear of being humiliated and fired (AND DEAD), Daniel Bryan’s CONSTANT, CONSTANT BEATDOWNS and whatever else are gonna come together in this amazing new version of The Union, where Show and the Rhodes Family and Bryan and like, Ziggler all team up to take on the system, and we get this epic back-and-forth war that defines a generation and makes everyone involved into legends.
There’s a bigger, more depressing chance that this is another example of Triple H doing that thing where he single-handedly murders the shit out of a wrestler’s sudden, viral heat a la The Summer Of Punk. Punk ended up fine, but he got his dick and both of his balls severed right the hell off by Triple H for a solid month before cheekily wanting to put on Triple H’s jacket and be his friend. The problem was that Punk never really got to “win” against Nash and Triple H, he just kinda continually lost until Nash and Triple H started hating each other instead, and he could go beat up Del Rio, who nobody cares about, in matches nobody really cared about.
If Daniel Bryan and the good guys get some momentum on the next show and, I don’t know, end ONE SHOW in this cycle on top, then maybe we’ve got a shot. Wrestling’s episodic structure is so bathed in 50/50 booking that one side winning over and over seems shocking, and we huddle back into our dark corners of “this guy won on the go-home show so he’s losing at the PPV” bullshit so fast we trip and fall and lie facedown in it. As of right now, the cool Daniel Bryan who took on all three members of The Shield by himself is getting the ever-loving shit kicked out of him by a team of bosses and super villains who are, by definition of the universe itself, impossible to beat. It’s like Daredevil trying to beat up Galactus. It just ain’t gonna happen.
What’s getting me down about it all of a sudden isn’t an issue of attention span necessarily, but of…
Worst: What, So Daniel Bryan Can’t Compete in Wrestling Matches Now Without People Being Afraid They’ll Hurt Him?
Show doesn’t want to punch Daniel Bryan, because EMOTIONS. Daniel Bryan, a guy who beat John Cena clean with a running f*cking knee to the running f*cking face, a guy who proved for two fiery months that he wasn’t the weak link, is getting off shitty Rey Mysterio title defense dropkicks and kicks to the legs, only for Show to totally no-sell all of it and throw him around like he’s nothing. Situationally that’s fine, and I get that they’re telling a story with Show and all, but … do you see what I’m saying? It’s a purposeful transforming of Bryan from a crowd favorite “underdog” into an ACTUAL UNDERDOG who can’t win or come out on top or get ahead on even a SMALL scale.
Basically I need next week’s show to feature the good guys, any of them, doing ANYTHING to look like they aren’t completely helpless and doomed to fail forever. SOMETHING. They don’t have to topple The Facgime, Bryan doesn’t have to knock Orton off the Iron Throne or whatever, we just need SOMETHING that isn’t Bryan beating browbeaten, physically beaten, left for dead and cried over by his peers.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
*the reason why Kassius Ohno, Paige, Emma, Sami Zayn, and other hopefuls from NXT haven’t been called up*
HHH: We’re not leaving until this Christmas HAM gives me a pull-up!
Kassius Ohno: *attempts a pull-up, struggles, fails*
Orton: “I wasn’t given everything! I had to become a wrestler because I got a dishonorable discharge and what else was I gonna do?!”
Ever go to a fair and the prizes are knock off stuffed animals? Like Stewie from Family Guy, but his eyes are crossed, he has a mop of yellow hair, and his overalls are blue and say “STEVIE” on them?
Miz is the STEVIE version of Chris Jericho.
is this Los Matadores promo narrated by “Spanish Mode” Buzz Lightyear?
Darren Young used Coming Out… It’s super effective!
I can’t wait for The Midnight Rider Jr. to show up next week in the WWE.
If there is one wrestler I’m willing to believe can be distracted for a long period of time by music playing it is RVD
WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS STEPHANIE THE GRIM REAPER
Big Baby Yeezus
“Big Show, YOU ARE A BASTARD!”- Daniel Bryan
“AND YOUR MOMMA SAID SO!!”- Big Boss Man
Big Show stop breaking shit, you can pawn all that, since you are poor and going to die soon
Thanks for reading, everybody. See you next week.
I want more like this!
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