Best: Let’s Give Edge This Job And Let Miz Graze In Developmental Until He Learns How To Wrestle Or Remembers How To Talk
Edge still sounds like every lower-tier black comedian’s “white guy” voice and yeah, his haircut is still weird, and yeah, ‘Haven’ sucks so bad Edge didn’t even stick up for it when Triple H was making wanking motions with his mouth about it, but it was great to have him back, and great to have him around. He should have this job permanently, because (1) it would guarantee that talk shows segments actually got shit talked about instead of ending with the host being beaten up/beating somebody up, and (2) The Miz should never be allowed near a microphone again.
A few notes from last night’s opener:
- “Rated R soOOOoperstar!” is still funny, even if he’s in on the joke.
- I’m happy Daniel Bryan got cut off before he could say a lot, because nothing makes me more nervous in WWE right now than Bryan’s constant OH MAN LET ME TELL YOU WHAT sarcasm voice. I need him to stop doing that. Just say your piece, dude, you’re the best wrestler in the world and you’ve got legitimate grass-fed beef.
- To be fair, Triple H didn’t marry into a successful career. He was doing well for himself and winning WWE Championships before he and Stephanie got married. What he married into was the office job. So if you’re gonna hit him with the “balls in yer purse” gag, make sure you’re doing it based on his suit-and-tie sell-out, and not his Winning Everything Ever. Especially if you are Edge, who has 11 Championships because John Cena decided to lose the belt 10 times in three months*.
*I am intentionally remembering this era incorrectly.
- If you are Christian, don’t you want to make sure you’re not around when Edge shows up? He’s the Princess Toadstool of Edge’s life. If Edge could still wrestle, he’d be having Custody Of Christian Ladder Matches against Alberto Del Rio.
- I’m never going to work for WWE because I have said some saucy things about the people in charge, but if I WERE ever given a choice WWE position, I’d want it to be “writing filler segments for the WWE App.” Not the ones they use, though. Not “here’s what Kofi Kingston thinks about his upcoming match” stuff. I want to write unseen moments that connect/explain/justify what we see on Raw. Like, I want to write a scene where Christian’s in the back cutting the sleeves off his shirt, pretending like he’s got arm muscles, and The Shield just shows up. Have Christian be all, “sigh, this is because of Edge, isn’t it,” and Reigns just kinda nods and Ambrose palms him to death in the face a hundred times. Just fill the app with stuff like that. Guys getting into fights backstage and being all AASH, AASH, AASH when they punch.
Best: Canadians Chanting Asshole (And Toronto In General)
In the United States, our “asshole” chant sounds like this:
The Canadian version sounds a little different:
WWE should be in Canada more often. In fact, they should try to run shows in places that aren’t New York and L.A. (where everyone sees this all the time and barely cares) but ALSO aren’t Middle America (where everyone’s stupid) (except you, guy who just read this and got upset in defense of Iowa or whatever). Foreign crowds and post-WrestleMania domestic-but-fueled-by-foreign-fans crowds are the best, because they’re excited and happy to be there. Who knew?
Also, hey WWE announcers, when you’ve called like 10 different places in a year “bizarro land,” it’s time to accept that maybe you’re in regular land and crowds don’t have Borg brains.
Worst: The Two Most Boring Guys On The Raw Roster Get To Be Boring. Together.
I don’t know who thought it’d be a great idea to give Curtis Axel and Kofi Kingston a bunch of matches together, but Jesus, load that person into a catapult and stop doing this.
The story of the match was fine, but one of those times when WWE does something on Smackdown, then realizes they should’ve done it on Raw when people were watching. So on Smackdown Kofi beats Axel, causing Paul Heyman to, for the first time, realize Curtis Axel could LOSE and leave him all alone against CM Punk. On Raw, Kofi beats Axel again, this time by disqualification, and Paul Heyman realizes that Axel could be DISQUALIFIED and leave him alone with Punk. Two things:
1. Is getting beaten up by Punk really that bad? I mean, Heyman JUST got out of a year-long feud where Triple H kept punching him in the face and pedigreeing him and emasculating him on tables. Sure, Punk seems dedicated to hurting Heyman to the best of his abilities, but he’s only attacking during pro wrestling primetime, so how bad could it be?
2. I wish Night Of Champions was like six months away so they could redo this angle every week. Next week on Raw, Curtis Axel loses via countout and Paul Heyman is SHOCKED AND UPSET because he just realized Axel could lose via countout and leave him alone with Punk. The week after that, Axel gets a concussion and the ref stops the match. OH NO, REF STOPPAGE COULD LEAVE ME ALONE etc. Drag it on for six months with every possible match outcome. “OH NO, CURTIS AXEL ROLLED INTO THE RING, NOW CM PUNK AND I ARE THE LAST TWO PEOPLE LEFT OUTSIDE IN THAT REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL THING TNA DID, HELP”
Worst: Woof, Take It Home With These Awkward Paul Heyman Injury Segments
Here’s something we didn’t need: in-ring medical examinations.
I can’t decide if I loved Paul Heyman’s scared guy run and bail over the barrier more or less than I hated CM Punk beating up Paul Heyman’d doctor for … I dunno, being in “cahoots” or whatever. Was the story that Heyman’s bearded friend wasn’t a doctor at all, Punk knew that (because he spent years hanging out with Heyman and would in theory know his personal physician) and beat up the guy for being a poser? That’d be fine. If I missed that, there you go. If not, Punk is straight-up beating up a dude’s doctor for no reason. So he’s on the take. That’s no reason for a caning to the face, is it? You don’t even cane Curt Axel in the face, and he’s Curt Axel.
That run was pretty darling, though.
Best: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Thought Of This Segment
Best: Dolph Ziggler Loses, Which Means Six More Weeks Of Briley Being Whiny On Twitter
Supplementary Worst: Michael Cole apparently did not watch the Sister Abigail origin video and is just making shit up on the fly. “Sister” can only mean one kind of sister, right?
Supplementary Best: How awesome is it that Dolph Ziggler ditched AJ Lee and Big E Langston in a fit of confident arrogance, and then his career went straight to Hell? At some point the guy’s gotta realize this and try to get back with them. I mean, he was the World Heavyweight Champion with them by his side. Now he’s getting a jobber entrance and losing clean to Bray Wyatt. And not just Bray … he lost clean to Cesaro on Superstars, too. The guy who loses to Santino Marella on this show. It cannot objectively get much lower. What’s lower than that, Corey Graves? Being half of a team that loses handicap matches? Or a third of a team in 3MB’s case? The Drew McIntyre portion of 3MB. There you go.
Actual, formal Best: Hey look, Bray Wyatt’s winning matches! And they aren’t against Kane!
I want more like this!
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