Best: This Is How Every Crowd Should Treat The Miz
Destiny spent most of this match complaining about how stupid The Miz’s haircut is, and she doesn’t have a broad set of pop culture references to draw from so I couldn’t use that amazing “he walked into a bar with a DVD of ‘Boardwalk Empire’ and said ‘give me one of everything’” joke from a few weeks ago.
I liked this match a lot, because I love any match where the crowd says nuts to what the Miz is selling and gives him grief. The one constant in “bizarro land” crowds (besides the “chanting for wrestlers who are dead/aren’t there” thing) is a hatred of The Miz, because they are closer to honest than any other WWE crowd, and though opinions on most things vary, Miz is garbage to all of them. To reiterate, he isn’t bad in the ring (when he isn’t doing a figure-four) and his mic problems are a combination of Big Stage nerves and WWE Creative giving him asinine shit to say, but he’s the fakest pro wrestler of all time, nothing he does or says looks or sounds like he means it and he doesn’t have John Cena’s steely, prototypical robot resolve so they can eat right through him. If Cena had come up trying to be Jericho instead of Hogan, he’d be The Miz.
Also, hey, remember when Fandango was a thing? That was fun. Toronto took the worst possible Fandango appearance — him providing a distraction to someone in the ring who gets rolled up and pinned, then dropping his infuriatingly out-of-context catchphrase — and made it feel Post-Mania again. Back before the put the “da das” on the TitanTron. Back when Ann Dango roamed Raw and danced free. I miss those days.
Best: Big Show Destroys Canada’s Newest TV
Normally the only TVs in a Raw arena are giant flatscreens hung in the hallways so wrestlers can stand shoulder-to-screen or in large groups and watch what’s going on in the ring. In Canada, there are suddenly 1990s tube TVs sitting out in the hallway, not plugged in or playing anything, they’re just there.
Big Show gets informed that his Ironclad Contract sincerely means “do exactly what we say constantly or you’re fire” due to a previously-unforseen loophole that places every Raw on OPPOSITES DAY and smashes the TV in the floor. I really wanted the camera to hold on the wreckage long enough for Goldust to wander in and be all, “OH NO, MY GTV!”
Speaking of Goldust, Goldust should be on every episode of Raw.
For anyone who doesn’t know, I am the most biased person ever when it comes to Goldust. I grew up an NWA/WCW kid, so of course “The Natural” Dustin Rhodes was one of my favorite wrestlers. He came to WWF and instantly was that guy you know I’m a homer for, the midcard guy with a wacky, fun gimmick who can wrestle his ass off and makes everybody else look great. He was one of the most ridiculous parts of ridiculous-ass dying WCW, was one of the most ridiculous parts of ridiculous-ass TNA wrestling and then reemerged with his worker boots on in WWECW, which is right behind NXT on my list of the favorite things WWE has ever done. I LOVE the WWE version of ECW. Oh, and then this past May I shot a movie with him as one of the lead actors. That doesn’t even address his dad, who is one of the greatest ANYTHINGS of all time, and his brother, who defines “I like this” at With Leather. If you see anybody +Rhodes somebody else, trust me, they mean it.
So OF COURSE I’m going to love the Goldust match on Raw, right? The match could’ve been a throwaway thing where somebody gets Fingerpoked Of Doom or hit with an aluminum trash can or something and I would’ve given it a Best, but it turned out to be really f*cking good, and I couldn’t be happier. This was the next, logical, emotional step in the Rhodes vs. McMahons story, with Dustin taking up Cody’s “do or die” mentality in a match with Orton and fighting with everything he’s got. If you didn’t pop for that Crossrhodes counter callback to the RKO, you’re doing it wrong. The crowd was hot, Dustin knows exactly how to bend them to what he’s doing, and guess what? Randy Orton’s suddenly the best kept in-ring secret on Raw. That guy’s KILLING it lately. If you offered me Daniel Bryan’s Raw matches over the last month and Orton’s, I’m taking Orton’s.
Goldust needs to stick around, for that Rhodes Family vs. The Shield Survivor Series payoff I’m imagining and beyond. Make him an NXT trainer, put him in the Hall of Fame, have him replace Booker T’s Bagger Vance ass as the legend who hangs around to give people advice and occasionally let him tear it up in the ring with your Orton’s and your Sheamuses and maybe even your Zayns. William Regal him is what I’m saying. William Regal him immediately.
Best: Goldust’s Widescreen Entrance Doesn’t Work Anymore Because Everybody Has Widescreen TVs
I wonder how it’d look on Big Show’s TV?
Best: Stephanie McMahon Is THE DEVIL I SAID (And Goldust Needs To Be Here Every Week)
We’ve said a lot about how perfectly evil Triple H has gotten lately, but my God, Stephanie McMahon has successfully turned everything I’ve ever wanted to boo about her into a character and taken her from that overdone “bitch” thing she used to go for into SUPER GENDER-SPECIFIC CURSE WORDS territory. She’s just an awful, awful person, with the sick bonus that she’s a wrestler’s wife, so unless Chris Jericho shows back up swinging and missing she’s not ever getting her comeuppance. Triple H will get his ass Brocked from time to time. Stephanie just gets to wear pantsuits and attend school assemblies and make people feel like farts for being decent or trying hard.
Although I’m not gonna front, if Dusty shows up next week and Bionic Elbows her, I’m gonna lose it.
Worst: Everything About Ryback/Rob Van Dam Besides The Text On Ryback’s Singlet
Whoa ho, hold everything, guys, the Airbrush Convention is in town! Between Van Dam’s singlet, Ryback’s singlet and Ricardo Rodriguez’s awful shirt I thought I was at a f*cking Myrtle Beach gift shop.
This entire thing made me sad, from Ryback’s continuing “bully everybody, then purposely fail before you even really TRY to win the match” thing (Fandango does it too) to that limp DQ finish that normally doesn’t get anybody DQ’d, to the post-match attack that Ryback always does. He used to do it as a good guy, too. We cheered him for beating up a guy and Shell Shocking him after a match at WrestleMania, but oh, he does it to Rob Van Dam and suddenly he’s a creep? He’s not a bully. He’s THE BIG GUY.
And he’s got BIG TRAPS. Like Kevin from Home Alone!
I want more like this!
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