Worst, but maybe secretly a Best: A love caught in the fire of revolution
According to Taz, Christopher Daniels reminds him a lot of Doctor Zhivago because of his goggles. Now, I haven’t seen Doctor Zhivago for about as long as Austin Aries has been slapping his leg for effect, but….wouldn’t maybe Doktor Sleepless have been a better reference? Or even Doctor Horrible, because all roads lead to Joss Whedon whether we want them to or not?
One of the best incidental discoveries in my many wrestling outings came when I found out that a horrifically terrible in-ring persona who is basically the antithesis of everything I stand for was actually a super nice dude who was also passionately into musicals because wrestling is super weird. If Tazz is secretly into Russian literature (I will accept both the books and the Maximo Park song), and is using all of his homophobic lady-hatin’ bravado to mask a deep-seated yearning to sit around and talk about Yevgeny Zamyatin, I may need to reconsider my stance on the Human Suplex Garbage Machine.
Or he’s actually awful and we should all sit in a circle and talk about how Russian satirical futuristic dystopia is the bomb and then throw mad shade at Brave New World instead.
Worst: Brutal Magnus, we are not entertained
Alright. Here’s the deal. There is absolutely no way that I can objectively approach a Magnus match. I have finally reached my TNA TURNING POINT, and I don’t much care for Paramore, but he’s THE FUTURE so I’ve gotta find something else to do each week.
There are a number of instances in TNA’s past where you can say you know, the storylines were some real shit, but at least there was good wrestling. This….is not really one of those times. The roster is a shambles, and people get so wrapped up in “the alternative” that they’re willing to say yeah, Magnus is the BEST because he happens to not be R-Truth. But at the end of the day, if Magnus was really as good as half of what people attribute to him, he’d have a steady scheduled match on Raw every week and ten f-cking t-shirts about his not-questionable-at-all friendship with an imaginary child. You can be in TNA and be good, and you can be in WWE and be bad, but the exultation of JUST OKAY as the second f-cking coming just because it’s not this other thing you’re supposed to hate because it’s the other thing is pointless and dumb and what makes people think that TNA fans are idiots who don’t know what good wrestling is. Because guys, Magnus is not great, and saying he is makes you look dumb and like you don’t know what good wrestling is.
I’m sorry. That’s super harsh. Let me put it another way.
Think of your very favourite match. Or the very favourite match of someone you know. Pull that image up in your head of them describing it. Talking about truly great wrestling that you have a connection to is almost transcendent. You go to another place. You’re back in that high school gym or armoury or stadium at WrestleMania. You’re eight years old watching Yokozuna smush the Canada out of Bret Hart. You’re somewhere in Pennsylvania watching a Japanese lady shorter than you are show more heart and spirit and devastating kicks than you’ve ever seen in your life, and it’s so moving you almost break down in tears in the spot. You’re watching Kenta Kobashi, ten feet away from you, engrave a match into your heart with every move. Your eyes sparkle and there’s a tug in your heart because nothing can ever replace that feeling you had watching it, and the happiness you feel at the very core of your being remembering it.
Does anyone, literally anyone in the world, feel that way about a Magnus match on Impact? If people devoted half of the fervor defending Magnus’s shitty elbow drop and shitty cloverleaf and lack of personality (he should team up with Manik – they’re already colour coordinated) to acknowledging that it is not good, seeking out great wrestling (or hell, even decent wrestling that’s entertaining), and then vocally trying to get that great wrestling on their television each week, maybe TNA fans wouldn’t be the butt of every joke that doesn’t end in the words “customs match.” You could stand by that product and say hey, f-ck you, we’ve don’t have the leftovers of the 2006 ROH run of dudes who couldn’t make it in WWE (or aren’t tangentially related to an Anoa’I family member) and a bunch of old guys. We’ve got good wrestling. Wrestling so good it doesn’t matter that sometimes a storyline doesn’t make sense, or the Main Event Mafia existed twice. There are seasoned veterans and guys who have been tearing it up in Japan or on the American indie scene. Maybe then everyone can move out of the mindset that it’s good by sheer proxy of being the alternative when “the good wrestling show that’s on TV on Thursdays” should be good enough. And THAT is the only time “good enough” should ever, ever be f-cking acceptable.
Or we can go with Brandon’s idea of his opponents wrestling a ghost each week, and never hold a product aimed at us whose entire existence relies on us accountable in any way.
Here’s a video of a kitten playing with some toilet paper:
Worst: If Dixie Carter is your mom, Sting is totally your embarrassing dad
Your dad just showed up at your high school dance to bring you home early and it is the worst.
Magnus, where did you learn to behave like this?
I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU, STING. /runs to the back in tears
I want more like this!
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