Magnus Time: Not gonna happen
If you’d like to watch Magnus and Sting vs. Bad Influence, click here.
If not, please accept this Tanahashi-Okada match from day 8 of NJPW’s G1 Climax event in it’s place, because it made me happy when I was real down the other day, and also because Okada’s gear is baller as f-ck.
Okada’s theme makes me walk around my apartment punching air and getting all hyped up to do…I dunno, sit on the couch and watch more wrestling or whatever, and you should love it like I do. And when you go to the well of “guys promotions don’t know how to use properly,” remember that Okada was in TNA, and they relegated him to Xplosion because what the hell were you even thinking.
Best: The AJ Styles Foundation
Dixie Carter had a chat with AJ bakstage, and offered him a substantial amount of money if he would skip out on his next two scheduled matches, then suggests he use the money to start a foundation for little redneck kids who can’t read. Illiterate redneck children should be the new El Generico orphans in Mexico, but they never will be because AJ Styles has principles, and rips it up. But it doesn’t matter. She didn’t sign that cheque anyways. Hee.
Best: Mike Tenay is SO MAD
Sometimes I wonder what takes up so much space on my laptop, and then I realize I have 23 hi-res pictures in different folders, all labeled “Tenay Face.” My commitment to his glorious lizard face is steadfast and true, and when Bully Ray kicked him out of his seat at the commentating desk, I instinctually opened Photoshop because how could this not be a gold mine. I don’t really care about Bully Ray on commentary, but Tenay standing off to the side and complaining to Borash about him is precious and perfect and I want to keep it forever.
Worst: AJ Styles vs. Almost A Whole Wrestler
This gif is the most important thing you should take away from this match:
I don’t know what it is, but outside of those brief shining moments of wonder, this show feels like it’s about three hours longer than it actually is. Like Kate Moss, nothing is as long as mediocrity feels. Or…something like that. Thoughtful analysis is the hardest when everything happening makes you wish it would just hurry up and end. It’s kind of like when Brian Eno decided to leave Roxy Music, because he found himself onstage thinking about the laundry he had to do instead of being present in the moment. The in-between parts aren’t engaging. You don’t want to watch them, let alone spend a couple of hours watching and re-watching and picking out and describing and making jokes about every little thing. Even the great shows that I point to as reasons people should watch TNA are just a series of great moments mired in matches you have to slog through to get to the good stuff. It’s a tough balancing act for TNA, and I sincerely hope they start watching these shows back, knowing they did good things they should keep up, and trimming the fat like they just spent 28 days doing crunches and making out with a former MLB pitcher.
I really don’t want to end on a negative note, so let’s address the part I intentionally skipped over earlier.
Best: ROAD TRIP
I don’t know what kind of fresh hell they’re going to unleash as Bound For Glory that they need to unleash a joy-bringing distraction of this magnitude, BUT BRING IT ON. I said I wanted a Joseph Park buddy road trip and I got it, and I am the HAPPIEST PERSON.
While we’re on the subject, I would also like a weekly segment wherein Joseph Park hugs fans named Danielle Matheson who write weekly Impact columns and who really loves Chikara and pictures of baby otters. *cough cough*
I want more like this!
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