Brandon has been replaced by his cat Jumbo as my writing buddy (we wrote this out of order), and he is legitimately The Best. I would steal him away to Canada if I could, but until then I will settle for him purring at my feet and preventing me from having a total boredom meltdown over Gunner.
Worst: The latter half of Beer? That’s Where I’m A Modern-Day Viking vs. Mike Knox
I mentioned on Twitter that I really wish Garrett Bischoff would start entering the ring on Mike Knox’s shoulders a la Prince Devitt, and I 100% stand by that. I also wish that Bischoff were actually Cait Sith, Knuxxy was a giant moogle, and I was playing Final Fantasy VII (or doing anything else) other than watching this match.
The best part of this match was when Brandon said that Gunner’s tattoos just make him look dirty, and the worst part of this match was everything else. But I suppose we should get specific here, as this match actually had a point.
The idea that Bully Ray wouldn’t come out to help Bischoff and Knux despite them being in a good position to win the match is yet another proponent of the idea that Bully Ray is just in it for himself, and he doesn’t give a toss about anyone else in the club. It’s another piece pulled out of the Jenga tower of the “oh god make it cool or end it” saga of Aces & Eights, so while the actual wrestling didn’t really matter (I’ll give you pause to laugh at the idea that it ever matters), in the context of the story being told it’s important.
If you’re going to complain about someone who is probably not even paying attention to the match not running out from wherever they are all the way in the back when you have a member of your stable sitting at the f-cking commentary table with a so-called teflon contract allowing him to do whatever the f-ck he wants oh my god there are four of you how hard is it to keep track of everyone oh my god.
Traditional Worst: Magnus vs. Bully Ray
I don’t hate Magnus with the same passion Danielle does, but I don’t like the guy, and I spent most of the match trying to figure out why (other than the obvious shit, like him thinking holding somebody’s legs and leaning forward with Brie Bella Leverage constitutes a Texas Cloverleaf). Here’s what I figured out.
Remember that weird time in early 2000s WWE where the Attitude Era had ended and the guard was obviously changing, and they KNEW John Cena and Randy Orton were going to be their big future stars, but Cena and Orton weren’t really “there” yet? Remember how they were always flanked by 30 interchangeable hairless, muscly guys who weren’t offensively bad, but weren’t anywhere in the ballpark of good? Guys like Sylvan Grenier, Rob Conway, Chris Masters, Renee Dupree, Lance Cade, etc. Just an endless stream of cookie-cutter semi-hosses. That’s what Magnus is. He’s Renee Dupree in a company that never let a John Cena bloom, so he’s “the future” because they don’t have any other options.
The other weird thing I thought about during this match was the physics of a nutshot in wrestling. I’ve been kicked in the nuts before and I know that it’s one of the most painful things a guy can go through, but I don’t think it hurts so much that having it done to you once just knocks you the hell out and renders you helpless for the next ten minutes. Aren’t you supposed to be tough? And furthermore, in addition to having been nut-shat, I have been punched in the face. That hurts like a motherf*cker. Magnus gets punched in the face like THIRTY TIMES in this match and doesn’t care. He gets the inside of a guy’s elbow thrust up between his legs and he’s instantly immobile. Horseshit. Nutshots have to be a quick thing and a flash pin because you’ve had the wind knocked out of you. They aren’t Burning Hammers.
Best: Sting’s gloves
If I can’t buy this print in a capri pajama bottom at Old Navy by this time next week, I’m gonna be so pissed.
Worst: Some Kurts wander by mistake
Uhh…I think Kurt Angle needs an adult. Seriously, he’s been wandering that hall for like an hour now. Maybe someone should go help him?
Worst: You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone to rehab for a while and the show gets better(ish) without him
Big ups to people who love Cinderella as much as I do, and stuck with me for very little payoff to that joke header.
Worst: Not THAT Legacy
Kurt Angle saying that Bobby Roode is the one who messed with his legacy, and not Kurt Angle signing and staying with TNA in the first place, is pretty darn hilarious. The best part is that Bobby Roode gets the upper hand because when he gets angry like that, it’s like he’s on a bunch of meth which is super funny to me (his bulgy eyes and spittle, not drugs because they’re bad and you shouldn’t do them). But if Kurt Angle somehow doesn’t get the victory at Bound For Glory so he can have his triumphant return and also because the heel won on the show right before it, then I will eat my hat. Well…I didn’t bring a hat, and Brandon will probably get mad at me if I use one of his as the outer shell of a breakfast taco, but I’ll just be really surprised, okay?
Best: People who typed “Kurt Angle 2003″ and “Kurt Angle 2008″ into YouTube after this promo
Please feel free to reference your experience in comparing the two every time I say “Kurt Angle used to be good and I loved him but now his head looks like a dick and he kinda sucks and it’s hard to say nice things about him.”
I want more like this!
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