Best: Jump-cutting To Tamina Strangling A Bella Is Magical
The Brie Bella title challenge wasn’t spectacular, but it was the best Bellas singles match ever in a walk and way better than Axel/Truth. I was pretty high on it when it was happening, but the “I’m in control of the match OH NO I’M BEING DISTRACTED BY SOMETHING HAPPENING NEARBY whoops oh no I’ve been rolled up and pinned” trope really hurt it for me.
What that didn’t hurt is how hard I laughed when Brie and AJ were standing around and suddenly the camera just jump-cut to Tamina Snuka strangling the shit out of Nikki Bella for no reason. They didn’t set it up or show Nikki wander over or anything, just BOOM, Nikki’s about to die. In theory shouldn’t that have only distracted Brie the way it did if she was watching the live feed of the match she was wrestling?
Ah well. Good news is that the Divas Championship does not have to automatically default to the cast of Total Divas for that show to continue, and maybe Brie can continue using the show’s downtime to practice bridges or burpees or whatever with her soon-to-be-husband and make “someone from Total Divas won the Divas Championship” not sound like a nightmare.
Best: Kofi Kingston’s Batman: The Animated Series Bane Tights
Kofi Kingston spent several years with a smiling black man’s face on his ass, so when he upgrades the gear I try to give it applause. Last night he had BANE FACES on his tights, specifically Bane from ‘Batman The Animated Series.’ They aren’t as cool as the Skeletor ones (because honestly, nothing will ever be as cool as the Skeletor ones) but they’re a huge upgrade from palm trees and Kofi Kingston silhouettes.
Unfortunately Kofi loses infinite points for having a shirt that says SKILLZ ALL DAY. That has got to be the most embarrassing shirt going right now. You aren’t allowed to have a cancer version of a shirt if people have never seen the regular one. Couldn’t they have made the I CAN FLY shirt pink? If AJ Lee’s shirt can say LOVE LIFE now, Kofi’s can say I CAN’T DIE.
Best: Bray Wyatt Goes Full Voldo
what are you doing
what what what are you doing
I’ll talk about this a little more when I get to the final Worst on this page, but if Bray has to wrestle a meaningless match against a guy he barely threatened and deliver a vague, un-Bray-like promo about how he’s going to vaguely attack all KINDS of nobodies, at least he got to do some memorably weird stuff. I still love Bray’s crossbody, made even better by WWE’s new slow-motion camera. They should’ve had that camera years ago so we wouldn’t have to sit through those crummy foward-step SUDDENLY FAST replays they love.
Worst: The Miz, Daniel Bryan’s NXT Pro, Doing Daniel Bryan’s Signature Taunts While Bryan Competes For The WWE Championship And Is One Of Four Unimportant Dudes Hosting A Fake NFL Experts Panel About A Show He Isn’t Booked On Is The Most Miz Moment Of All Time
Best: A Dick-Kick That Knocks You Unconscious
Again, I need to talk about this match more in the last Worst on the page, but I’m giving Ryback vs. CM Punk a facetious Best for ending when CM Punk kicks Ryback in the crotch and then just laterally-presses the shit out of him for the victory. It’s not a big dick-kick and a rollup with momentum to get the flash win, the low blow seriously KNOCKS RYBACK OUT, and he’s just rendered helpless, lying there with his eyes closed and his shoulders down. How hilarious is that? Why are your EYES CLOSED? Have you ever been hit in the balls by accident and instantly fallen asleep?
Worst: WWE Is Treading The Shit Out Of Some Water
So, here’s the situation we’re facing.
Back in the summer, it looked like we were gonna have a Bray Wyatt vs. Daniel Bryan feud. The Wyatt Family debuted and took out Kane, and sure, Kane and Bryan had sorta gone their separate ways and everything, but a fun new character from NXT who desperately needs to look good and work with someone competent to get over and more importantly stay over just showed up with a bunch of guys with beards and attacked the former tag team partner of the most notable beard-haver in WWE. I’m not an insider or anything, but that seemed like the plan.
Suddenly, Daniel Bryan got super popular. At the same time, John Cena’s body decided to fall apart at the arm and put him out for a few months. Sheamus got hurt, and so did Mark Henry. CM Punk’s stuck in the dead middle of a storyline with Paul Heyman and can’t make an appearance in anybody else’s story or everything about the evil corporation running Raw will fall apart and stop making sense. So Bray Wyatt takes out Kane and Daniel Bryan needs to be off fighting Randy Orton, so now Bray Wyatt is doing ABSOLUTELY F*CKING NOTHING, saying nothing, accomplishing nothing until that catches up to itself. Treading water.
John Cena had to leave and everybody was chanting YES all the time, so Cena got into a championship thing with Daniel Bryan. Vince McMahon showed up to make it clear that he wanted neither man to be the champion. Bryan wins against all odds or whatever, then Triple H and Randy Orton team up to attack/cash-in on him and make Orton the face of the company. That books the next few months with Bryan chasing Orton, right? NOPE. John Cena is the only true champion, so at the next f*cking show they have the title get held up and NOBODY is champion, and Bryan and Orton end up main-eventing TWO CONSECUTIVE PAY-PER-VIEWS that don’t end with real decisions. Treading water.
What’s going on with Punk? He wants Paul Heyman’s head, but Heyman’s hiding behind his biggest and toughest client Brock Lesnar. That should be involve a few Punk/Lesnar matches, with Lesnar looking unstoppable and Punk eventually finding a way to triumph, send him packing and get Heyman all to himself, right? The problem is that Lesnar sends HIMSELF packing every few months and has a limited amount of dates, so they have Lesnar destroy Punk a little bit and vanish. So now they have to give Heyman fake Lesnar (Ryback) to sorta kill time and pad everything out until Lesnar actually gets free and signed up and shows up to fight. Treading water.
If you trace these stories back to the summer, none of them have moved forward. Nothing they’ve done since SummerSlam matters. The Cody story is seriously the only story where ANYTHING HAPPENS EVER, and they wonder why everybody would rather watch football and not pay 60 bucks for a shitty episode of Raw. Stop treading water, guys. The upside to an unexpectedly forced plot twist is that you can write a new story around it and see where it goes. Maybe find something new that works. Instead, nothing matters, nobody’s doing anything and you’ve turned a bunch of spectacularly-talented wrestlers into empty, dumbed-down versions of themselves. Bray is a licensed hat and lamp. Punk is a story outline. Bryan is a beard and a word.
It’s the most disappointing thing in the world, and I can’t wait until Survivor Series when stuff is allowed to happen again.
I want more like this!
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