Best: Welcome Back, Burgundy!
The Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton championship main-event was good, 25-minute match capped by an ending so impossibly stupid that the only good thing I can remember about it is that Bryan’s ditched the bright red trunks and gone back to the William Regal burgundy.
Worst: The F*ck Was That
If you missed the ending to Battleground and want to wallow in the misfortune of those who didn’t, here’s what happened: after a very long, back-and-forth championship match, Bryan got Orton in the Yes Lock and Big Show appeared. Show (in tears~!) pulls the referee out of the ring. Daniel Bryan asked him what he was doing at ringside and Show knocked him out with a KO punch. Brad Maddox wandered out onto the stage and sent out referee Scott Armstrong, who started to count a three for Orton. Before he could, Show pulled him out of the ring and knocked him out. Then Show climbed into the ring and knocked out Orton. Brad Maddox looked stunned, Big Show’s music started up for some reason and the show ended with him posing triumphantly on the ropes as though he’d accomplished something greater than RUINING EVERYTHING.
Here’s what I wrote back on page 2 and had to copy over here:
The entire purpose of the Battleground main event is that it was a makeup for last month’s pay-per-view which caused the WWE Championship to be held up. You know, because Triple H didn’t want Daniel Bryan to have it but was also disappointed in Randy Orton’s inability to get the job done. So they have this match to fix it, and the big swerve is that Big Show comes out having been ordered to either knock out Daniel Bryan, thereby giving Orton the belt after spending a month on how you don’t want to just give Orton the belt, or knock out BOTH of them, which puts you right back where the Night of Champions main event puts you and accomplishes nothing.
So WHY THE HELL ARE TRIPLE H AND STEPHANIE NOT HERE? Why be the evil puppet-masters of the WWE Championship, Big Show’s cruelty and the futures of the Rhodes family (among other things) only to let them all be decided by fate at the last minute? Are you just nihilists? Is the entire last month of manipulative bullshit an excuse for Triple H to put Brad Maddox in an awkward position so he can remove him as Raw GM without upsetting Vince, who only put him into position because he’s a random-as-f*ck old man and Maddox was standing beside him in the ring when he needed a replacement for Vickie? Couldn’t Triple H have just say YA FIRED and assumed Vince doesn’t watch the show anyway?
I think the idea was that we were supposed to be happy Big Show knocked out Orton. It’s supposed to be this turning point where he’s not taking orders anymore and can be his own man or whatever. The problem is that 1) he did it when the people who always threaten him and make him feel bad weren’t around, so it was meaningless, and 2) he didn’t follow it up by dragging Bryan onto Orton and actually making a difference by letting Bryan pick up the win. He just ruined the match and posed over it while the crowd sat still and wondered, “is that it?”
And yeah, that was it. I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow Triple H will overturn the entire pay-per-view and be all, “we’ve got another show in like two weeks guys, we’re gonna redo everything but everything’s gonna be in a cage. Also, maybe me and Stephanie will show up.”
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Christ, the monthly PPVs are like those episodes of Dragonball where the dudes just keep charging and charging to stall until the next manga chapter comes out to adapt.
John Cena: “yeahhhhh, if you could make it so NO ONE has my title while I’m gone…that would be grrreeeaaattttt”
Tonight, the part of Big Show will be played by Strong Sad.
They tried to shoot a Ryback breast cancer awareness promo, but they couldn’t get him to say anything other than “This, is what happens… TO BOOBIES”.
RIP KOFI KINGSTON
I’d love it if after years of the gimmick Bray Wyatt revealed himself as a sham and that he started his cult for the religious tax exemption. #IRS
OH MY GOD, Dusty, Goldust and Cody as a team can be Antique Rhodes Show.
I’m so glad I got to see this live before they do it again on Raw tomorrow.
This match actually makes a lot of sense. Real American heroes are always at odds with Cobra.
“WE WANT TABLES!”
“WE WANT TABLES!”
“The chair right?”
“WE WANT TABLES!”
“Alright, I’ll use the chair, calm down guys.”
Miz: This almost as exciting as when I mentored Alex Riley!
Best: Live Report Ahoy!
I’ve included a live report from reader Downbound92 on the final page. Be sure to give that a read. Thanks, DB!
I want more like this!
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