Best: They’re Stars. They Take Meteor Showers.
Enzo Amore now has ENZO shaved into the side of his head. Pretty soon he’s gonna come to the ring in a chariot of fire and ascend to Heaven.
I’m glad Hulu’s wised up and started putting actual NXT clips of interest up (the beginning of the comedy tag, the Enzo and Big Cass promo, a piece of the tag titles match) instead of just a random minute and a half of Sasha Banks working an armbar or whatever. I should be able to show this clip to a stranger and have them want to watch the show, because holy shit they are talking about crunchy taco and breaking Alexander Rusev’s mother’s heart and how could you not want to cheer for these guys?
This is how you do vocally-abusive babyfaces, WWE. Not with reiterated empty threats (CM Punk), constant shitty sarcasm (Daniel Bryan), gay jokes (everyone) or YOU’RE A WHORE jazz (Dolph Ziggler, John Cena … uh, also everyone). You just have them be entertaining every time we see them. Put a little creative effort into what they’re saying. Have it be something I’d want to tell my friends about. A little bit goes a long way.
Worst: Is It Possible To Fast Forward Through Paragraphs I Haven’t Written Yet
A few quick notes about the Ascension vs. Stay Downton NXT tag titles match:
1. It is boring as shit.
2. Thank Christ the Corey Graves/Adrian Neville tag titles run is over. NXT has a wretched tag division. One of the weird things about putting tag teams together is that it limits the amount of time guys have to wrestle in the ring solo, meaning you can use it to cover up obvious faults or problems that need fixing … the people who run NXT know this and cram guys like Graves and CJ Parker and Conor O’Brian into these tag teams that never really do anything or go anywhere to protect them. That’s a good tool for teaching them how to wrestle, but a bad tool for helping Brandon sit through boring-ass tag team matches. I couldn’t get behind a SHIELD match with Corey Graves in it. The Shield could wrestle a box of napkins and I’d mark out. You are worse than a box of napkins, Corey Graves.
3. Conor O’Brian needs to give up the “multiple shoulderblocks” thing. It’s become a signature of his, and it doesn’t make sense and makes him look horrible. Remember when Ezekiel Jackson was just bodyslamming dudes over and over, and he’d do like five in a row and that was his big move? At least there he was picking the guy up every time. Here, O’Brien (a guy who is twice as big as anybody else on the show and should be able to absolutely truck everybody) hits a shoulderblock, then hits another one, then hits another one. Why does it take three shoulderblocks to keep a guy down? Shouldn’t you be strong enough to do it in one? It makes him look weak, and it makes the other guy look stupid for not doing basic homework and just rolling the hell away.
Anyway, this happened.
Best: The Bo Dallas Invitational
THIS ALSO HAPPENED.
Bo Dallas, a man who almost called himself the FCW Champion in a promo on this show and can barely get his words out without his eyebrows crashing together and imploding his face, invites the worst guy you’ve ever seen to the ring to “try and pin the champ.” Because the NXT crowd is awesome, they start a LET’S GO THIS GUY clap clap clapclapclap chant. This Guy gets a roll-up and a two count, so the crowd chants THIS GUY! THIS GUY! THIS GUY! They are the best. Bo gets an easy pin, tells the ref “HE DID GOOD!” and rolls the dude out of the ring. So far so great.
After that, Leo Kruger and Antonio Cesaro show up both looking for a match with Bo, get into it with each other and get … I don’t know, eliminated battle royal style by Bo? It’s not really explained, but this is the BO DALLAS INVITATIONAL and he INVITED THESE MEN TO DO THIS so I guess he can make up the rules as he goes. He celebrates, and then El Local’s music starts.
Best/Worst: Who Is This Mysterious Luchador Who Looks And Acts Exactly Like Sami Zayn? WILL WE EVER FIND OUT
Okay, don’t get me wrong, this was great. Sami Zayn dresses up as El Local, hits a boot on Bo and pins him to earn a shot at the NXT title. He then unmasks and celebrates. That’s not the Worst. The Worst is these two things:
1. The ENTIRE POINT of El Local showing up last week was so that when he showed up in the Bo Dallas Invitational THIS week, you wouldn’t think something was up. When he comes out, Alex Riley instantly goes into I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS MAN BEFORE mode like a dolt and Dawson’s all, “this MYSTERIOUS LUCHADOR” instead of just identifying him as El Local. In fact, they don’t CALL him El Local until he’s about to leave the ring. When Dean Malenko dressed up as Ciclope to get the jump on Chris Jericho in the best WCW moment ever they didn’t have the announcers pretend they’d never seen Ciclope and they didn’t have Ciclope doing a bunch of Texas Cloverleafs to dudes in the battle royal. When DDP dressed up as La Parka they had him play it straight until the Diamond Cutter, followed by an INSTANT reveal. They weren’t like “oh wow who is this skeleton guy.”
2. Couldn’t they have put El Local in sleeves last week? Last week he’s this pudgy-armed Hispanic guy with flash tattoos. This week he’s a skinny, hoppin’-around pasty white guy. NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL, THANK YOU. I guess it doesn’t matter, because it would’ve been obvious no matter what. I’d recognize that mask tassel head-bob anywhere.
But seriously, Zayn getting the jump on Bo in due to a wacky invitational gauntlet thing of Bo’s own doing was wonderful, and I’m excited for the Bo/Zayn blowoff. Hopefully it involves Zayn hitting a kick in the corner so hard that Bo’s head flies off and lands in Fake NXT Sign Guy’s lap.
I want more like this!
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