Best: It’s Time To Just Shut Up And Support The Tea Party
A couple of things:
1. Tensai continues to be the most underrated guy on Raw.
2. I have given up on the “why are you chanting WE THE PEOPLE with them, they are the racist weirdo bad guys” talking point and have decided to just shut up and love the Real Americans.
It makes sense. I love Jack Swagger because of his potential, his occasionally-brilliant in-ring work and my extensive collection of Jack Swagger science-fiction fan-fic. I love Antonio Cesaro because I have eyeballs and ears and a basic understanding of how life works and can see him lifting fat dudes and throwing around people with the power of ten men. I even like Zeb because his pre-match promos are guaranteed to make me laugh with their absurd points of view. They wear Gadsden flags like superhero capes. They have a signature hand gesture and catchphrase and their music is the most fun song to hum. They’re the best, and f*ck WWE for making the exclusionary conservative tag team so wonderful, but here we are.
I thought this match was going to exist so Cesaro could giantly swing Brodus Clay around, and was pleasantly surprised when he won with a baller Neutralizer. He should be doing that more. I also like how excited he was getting everybody at the prospect of a giant swing, even if WWE should maybe-probably back up from that a step and stop wearing out its welcome. Let it be something we look forward to, not something we expect. If Santino only did the Cobra every now and then, we’d probably mark the hell out for the cobra. Treat the giant swing like Kenta Kobashi’s burning hammer. Big shows and big moments. Don’t treat it like the independent wrestling burning hammer, which is “any time we’re wrestling and I think about lifting somebody.”
Worst: Michael Cole Thinks A Fisherman Suplex Is A T-Bone Suplex
I think it was technically a sidewalk slam.
Worst: 100% Chance Big E Langston Could Do A Better Superfly Splash
Firstly, though Brie Bella has gotten about a thousand times better in the last few months, every second of hard work was negated by her appearance later in the show and I’ll get to that.
Secondly, no amount of Diva effort is going to make Tamina Snuka better in the ring. She’s currently WWE’s Beth Phoenix character, the woman who does not look like a model and has some muscles and is therefore an “actual wrestler” to people on the Internet and a “tough Diva” to WWE even though she is absolutely garbage in the ring. Don’t be fooled by the pleasant idea of the Divas division featuring a wide variety of body types and personalities … it’s a wonderful dream, but ultimately it always settles on the same four characters they know how to write, three of whom are bikini models.
But yeah, Tamina Snuka could be Eddie Guerrero during the match and I’d cast her into the pits of Worst for her Superfly Splash, which makes CM Punk’s Macho Man elbow drop look like Macho Man’s Macho Man elbow drop. I don’t know why they keep letting her go to the top rope. She jumps off and flies through the air like she’s shitting into a toilet, lands knees (or feet) first and just kinda crumples over her opponent. It’s HORRIBLE. Between her and Sim, that Snuka name is reaching Hogan levels of second generation bad.
By the way:
Worst: Let’s Ask The WWE Universe What They Think Of AJ Lee
Best: Everything About Bryan/Del Rio Besides The Finish
Okay, not everything. Congratulations to Alberto Del Rio at the 1:49 mark for the fakest “I’m pretending to wrestle” punches since Shane-O-Mac hung it up.
But yeah, I thought this was good while it lasted. I’m generally a fan of Del Rio’s intense style (when he’s connecting) and I like when Bryan’s facing a guy who is bigger than him but also somewhat technically gifted, so it’s not just him eating Miz chinlocks until it’s time to hit his moves. I liked how natural the match felt, and wouldn’t mind a program between the two, even though I think Del Rio and Ziggler fit together a little better. Bryan and Ziggler fit together better too, for that matter. Hey, where’s Dolph Ziggler?
Anyway, I liked the match a lot but I’m too hung up on the finish to really wax pleasant about it.
Worst: The Finish, Because Holy Shit The Finish
If you missed it (and can’t watch the video), the match is going well until Randy Orton appears on the TitanTron and reveals that he’s BACKSTAGE (you know … where he’s supposed to be? Where everybody is?) and that he’s about to hurt Brie Bella. Bryan gets distracted (and rolled up, but thankfully not pinned off of it) and eventually bails on the match, taking a purposeful count-out to save his girlfriend. Here’s the problems I have with this:
1. Brie Bella’s a wrestler, right? So is Nikki Bella. Why are they suddenly cowering in fear in a corner when Randy Orton shows up? I know that objectively he could hurt them, but they were JUST out here showing off how tough they are … and then a guy shows up and they’re helpless damsels? In addition to it being personally annoying it just doesn’t make sense. Imagine if Alundra Blayze was out there german suplexing Bull Nakano, and then when a bad guy showed up backstage she was suddenly Miss Elizabeth. You can either portray Brie Bella as a legitimate wrestler or you can portray her as “wrestler’s civilian girlfriend.” If you do them both at the same time you’re not only devaluing Brie, you’re devaluing everybody who has to pretend like they’re in a competitive match with her.
2. This is the third “someone gets distracted and loses the match” match of the show.
3. We do not need things that can be interpreted as having sexual assault overtones on our wrestling show. I didn’t personally think the suggestion was that he was gonna go in there and try to rape anybody, but (1) a lot of people online did, and (2) this IS the guy who once handcuffed a man to a ring rope, assaulted his wife and then made out with her unconscious body in front of him. So there’s precedent. And seriously, what were we supposed to think Orton was gonna do back there, drape Brie’s legs over the examination table and DDT her? Come on.
4. WWE Creative is really bad at coming up with diabolical plans right now. Remember when Paul Heyman’s plan was “Curtis Axel and Ryback are nearby, and they’ll jump out from behind stuff when CM Punk gets close to me?” Remember the one before that where Heyman stood in the middle of the ring and explained how THIS IS ALL A PLAN TO GET YOU, CM PUNK, because the one-on-one match he challenged Punk to was actually gonna be Punk versus TWO guys? This week, Orton’s plan was “make Bryan think I’m gonna attack his girlfriend to lure him backstage, then I guess politely ask one of the people in the room to lock the door behind me when I leave so Bryan will have to force it open, and then I can sneak up behind him and toss him into the side of a bathtub ONCE?” The f*ck kind of plan is that? Couldn’t Orton have just jumped him in the hallway when he was trying to open the door? Or at ANY OTHER POINT EVER?
I want more like this!
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