Best/Worst: This Is Super Racist But I Think I Might Love It
Here’s everything I can find wrong with Los Matadores.
1. WWE cannot give a Hispanic guy a matador gimmick for two reasons: they’re a company full of white guys so you know they’re only doing it because “bullfighting” is something they can think of from Spanish culture and don’t wanna put any effort into learning what makes a wrestler of color individually unique or successful — see also rapping black guys and savage Samoans — and because they’ve done it already.
2. You cannot give Primo and Epico a Spanish or Mexican gimmick because they are Puerto Rican, and that is not the same thing. It’d be like giving a Samoan guy a Japanese gimmick or making a Hispanic guy pretend to be white or vice versa.
3. You cannot make a bull be the matadors’ valet, because matadors KILL bulls, and because it is 2013 and come the f*ck on.
4. You cannot MAKE A MIDGET DRESS UP LIKE A BULL AND BE THE VALET FOR YOUR REGIONALLY-INDETERMINATE MATADOR GUYS.
Now, having said all that … ughhh this was delightful and I think I might love Los Matadores.
Some of you called that, right? When I was like, “this looks like a horrible thing,” y’all would drop a comment that read, “shut up, Brandon, you know you’re gonna love this because it is stupid as balls, and balls-stupidity is the quickest way to your pro wrestling heart.” And I was like NO, NO, I AM THE INTELLECTUAL WRESTLING COMMENTARY ON THE INTERNET ELITE, I WILL NEVER LIKE IT, I KNOW MY BRAIN and you just made wanking motions at the ends of your sentences. You were right, and I am a stupid baby living in a grown man’s body.
I managed to pop and say “f*ck me” simultaneously when their Titantron video started spewing smoke and El Torito came airplaning out. I don’t know. I still don’t understand it. My best theory to explain their relationship is that they’re legendary bullfighters, right, so maybe they killed a legendary bull only to find out that it was a legendary COW consumed by BUCKING RAGE or whatever and that cow had a baby bull, and that was El Torito. So now they have to take care of him. I like this theory because it’s got serious New Titans Changeling/Baby Wildebeest vibes, and because it makes Diego and Fernando Matador into Cowfighters.
Best: Thank God They Found Something For Sin Cara To Do
Just kidding. El Torito is able to bounce around on the ropes without snapping his wrists and having to be carried away by medics.
Best: Curtis Axel’s Subterfuge Can’t Even Fool Renee Young
One of the (pardon the pun) hidden highlights of Raw happened during General Ray Of Sunshine Renee Young’s backstage interview with Paul Heyman. Near the end she mentions that she sees Ryback just around the corner, and spies Curtis Axel “hiding behind some equipment.”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Ryback is just standing in the f*cking hallway and Curtis Axel’s crouching behind an A.V. cart, poking his head around the side just in case it’s time for him to run at somebody and wildly clubber them. You are the worst, Curtis Axel.
Best: Dusty Rhodes Will Be Your Huckleberry
It wasn’t quite A Hug And A Kiss To Seal The Deal, but Dusty Rhodes sticking up for his jobs so they could get their sons back (or whatever) was as good as I wanted it to be. Dusty snatching the microphone from Triple H, getting up in his face (because that’s what H likes to do) and faceplaming Stephanie — complete with her immediately moving his hand out of the way because she can’t look vulnerable for even a second — were all choice, as was his loose quoting of Tombstone, which should be a wrestling industry staple. If Triple H can quote Gangs Of New York and get away with it, Dusty can be Val Kilmer in his prime.
The match itself is a good one, too, because my pipe dream of the Rhodes Family vs. The Shield in a trios match never really took Dusty’s 70-year-oldness into consideration. In my head Dusty’s still exactly like he was in 1986, because he looks and sounds the same. What we end up with is Cody and Dustin (yessss) against Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins with Dusty in his sons’ corner and assumedly Ambrose and the One Man And One Woman Power Trip in the Shield’s. If the Rhodes boys win, they get their jobs back. If they lose, they can never work for WWE again AND Dusty loses his job down in developmental. He’s already in the middle of “time off” from NXT, if you didn’t watch last week’s episode.
In my head, this goes in one of two ways, and I love them both:
1. Dusty gives Dean Ambrose a bionic elbow, Cody and Dustin win the tag team championships and get their jobs back. The tag team division gets the BEST POSSIBLE NEW TAG TEAM, have a series of great matches with The Shield and eventually Goldust can maintain his position on the show by getting into it with Damien Sandow, which is basically wrestling catnip for Brandon. That way Cody can win the World Heavyweight Championship only to have Damien cash in on him (the only possible outcome for the Sandow Money in the Bank briefcase, honestly) and THAT would lead to Cody vs. Sandow, Goldust vs. Sandow or Cody vs. Goldust World Title matches. YES-F*CKING-PLEASE.
2. The Rhodes brothers lose the match due to THE DAMNED NUMBERS GAME or whatever, and the next night on Raw we meet WWE’s newest tag team THE JAMES BOYS. Or suddenly one of Los Matadores is tall and white and painted gold.
Best: The Rhodes Family Feuding With The Shield Is Wrestling Perfection For Me, Or It’s Like When I Was Little And Had To Listen To My Mom And Dad Fight, One Or The Other
As a wrestling fan, I am all-in with the Rhodes Family. They’ve been done wrong for far too long. They are talented, hard-working people who are being mistreated by an evil hierarchy of two-faced corporate devils and their Ultimate Swat Team Mean Street Posse.
As a guy who loves these wrestlers and writes snarky columns about them, I’m torn. The Rhodes boys are by definition as good as pro wrestling can get, but THE SHIELD, y’all. The Shield has been nothing but teamwork and violence and friendship since they debuted. They are what I like about modern pro wrestling in a nutshell. So do I root for the people who have entertained me the most throughout my life, or for the people entertaining me the most now? Do I root for the blue-collar types (and their one entitled son), or for the hungry NXT guys who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of their brothers?
Worst: The Domino’s Pizza Commercials Are Getting Worse, Somehow
Unbelievably, the new Domino’s ad campaign is built around the idea that you might as well order pizzas online, because the people who work at Domino’s are too stupid to use a telephone. That’s worse than Popeye’s being all, “like chicken? Like those boxes of rice you never buy at the grocery store? WE PUT THEM TOGETHER.”
I want more like this!
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