Now that we’ve spent 10 minutes allowing The Shield to get into an exciting, emotional, high-stakes brawl with one of the best wrestling families in the sport’s history, let’s allow WWE Creative to bash us over the head with their dry erase board and give us CURTIS AXEL LOSING A NON-TITLE MATCH TO R-TRUTH VIA A DISTRACTION FROM A GUY WHO DIDN’T EVEN SHOW UP TO DISTRACT ANYBODY. This was “Curtis Axel hiding behind an A.V. cart” in wrestling match form.
Here’s an idea for R-Truth, or for any low-level WWE guy who can’t win matches: bring an iPod to the ring. Torrent every wrestling entrance theme you can find. When it looks like you’re about to get beaten, play somebody’s theme and hold the iPod up. Your opponent will go bug-eyed and start whipping his head around all crazy looking for that wrestler, and you can just graze his leg with your fingers that instantly criticals him and wins you the match. Have fun with it. Play the Undertaker’s theme when you’re losing to JTG, make JTG think he’s about to feud with the Undertaker. Losing to The Miz? Try Kamala’s music. WWE TV is build around constant reassurance to the audience that the wrestlers they love are just as stupid as them, so I dunno, if the iPod doesn’t work, try jingling your keys.
Best: This Match Has Been Rendered Worthless, But Hey, Brie Bella’s Looking Pretty Good
Two quick Worsts: One, I’m not a fan of AJ Lee enlisting the help of Tamina Snuka. Not only does this lead us to believe that TAMINA, a woman who cannot even win when she’s wrestling developmental talent on NXT, is a more effective bodyguard than Big E Langston, it does that WHOOPS ERASE HISTORY thing they love to do. Remember when Tamina was Vickie Guerrero’s bodyguard and was all about hurting AJ? Yeah, that’d be like Paul Heyman suddenly teaming up with Ryback.
Second, the commentary during this match is expectedly insipid and god-awful. Cole gets butthurt that JBL is calling too much of the action and stops talking, piping in only to tell JBL he’s doing a bad job, and Lawler can’t think of anything to say about women doing actual wrestling moves besides “her boyfriend isn’t gonna like this!” and “talk about an EXTREME MAKEOVER!” Meanwhile there’s a decent little Divas match going on, with Alicia Fox channeling some of her NXT personality to work a bunch of leg-scissors and Brie channeling SOMETHING from SOMEWHERE to look like a decent, legitimate athlete. She’s throwing knee strikes and shit, and all Cole can do is talk about how Alicia Fox and AJ are jealous of the Total Divas. JBL and Lawler just nod their heads in agreement. WRESTLING IS HAPPENING, YOU GUYS.
I like to think that when Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan got together he was all, “okay, I agree to be on the reality show as long as you let me tell you what to do and stretch you out,” and Brie was all, “oooh,” and by the time she realized he meant that in the Stu Hart sense of the phrase it was too late. The Bellas really are the smartest people in wrestling, aren’t they? They’re like the all-star team of good WWE decisions. They’re dating high on the card (a la Triple H), they are not afraid to be famous outside of wrestling for something brainless but loosely wrestling-related (The Miz), they palled around with the celebrity guest hosts and got two-ish years of TV time out of it and now one of them’s becoming a good wrestler while the other becomes a cartoon bad guy. If they’d just stop doing the dated “loser” taunts and never speak on the microphone again they’d be my idols.
Worst: Oh No, Are They Already Planting Seeds For A Brie Vs. Nikki Title Feud, And Is Every Divas Storyline Gonna Revolve Around That Reality Show Now
Seriously though, Brie hasn’t even won the belt yet and Nikki’s already doing that “also give ME credit” thing. Watch her when Brie wins … she rushes into the ring and demands the referee hold HER hand up as well, and Brie makes a brief “uh, what, okay” face before being okay with it. We are t-minus one week from Brie Bella tearfully talking about how hard she worked to become Divas champion and Nikki hitting her in the back of the head with the belt because she’s tanner and her boobs are bigger and her boyfriend isn’t a lumberjack or whatever.
Best: Honky Big Show Be Trippin’
This GIF should tell you everything you need to know:
Big Show is riiiight on the edge of plunging into rage-induced insanity, and one of these days is just gonna explode into a hailstorm of fists and knock out everybody in a 40-mile radius. Triple H and Stephanie are just straight-up making shit up and mocking him to his face now, and it’s making him so made his face becomes SLOTH’S FACE and his fist becomes GOD’S FIST and he is going to KNOCK TRIPLE H THE HELL OUT.
Of course, he doesn’t, and he can’t. At least not yet. He gets to Triple H’s office and nobody’s there so he waits, his shirt getting sweatier and sweatier, and then all of a sudden the police show up because Triple H is THE MOST COWARD and whosoever should escorting them in but The Devil herself, Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie tells her own cops not to arrest Big Show because he has a mortgage payment coming up and CANNOT PROPERLY F*CK HIS WIFE and they listen to her because wrestling is not reality and none of this makes sense, and if Show ever knocks out Stephanie he’ll open up a tear in the Matrix or whatever and reveal the ruse.
He doesn’t know that, though, and all he can do is make this face:
I’m so sorry, Show. I’ve been there. Just know that when you finally punch Triple H in his mouth it’ll be the most satisfying payoff ever. You’ve really got to cave in his jaw, though. Cave it right in.
Worst: Who Left The Show Unattended And Gave Zack Ryder This Much Offense
This is the face I made when Zack Ryder’s match against Alberto Del Rio lasted more than 45 seconds:
Cole tries to get all into it and yell “cover by RYDER” or whatever but no dude, that is a slow-ass sunset flip and Zack Ryder couldn’t win a match if Del Rio was distracted by 15 entrance themes at once. Hey, remember how boring it was when Del Rio kept putting the armbar on jobbers after the bell for like a year? Aren’t you happy they’re still doing that? I bet Del Rio’s got a big peg board where he plans out his missions, and he’s got like 70 index cards tacked to it and they all read WRESTLE JOBBER AND HURT HIS ARM WHEN THEY TELL ME NOT TO. Every week he writes ten more cards like that and puts them up. I kinda hope RVD beats him now just so something else can happen.
Spoiler alert: if RVD wins, the next four weeks are Del Rio losing via DQ because he won’t release the armbar.
I want more like this!
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