Best/Worst: More Like Paul GAYman, Am I Right
I’d originally given this a solo Worst, because as funny as Heyman and Ryback are, the point of these segments is to bait people into getting upset so they’ll yell and scream and boo them for acting gay. You can’t say they’re trying to bait stupid people either, because yeah, the people getting upset and yelling at them about it ARE stupid, but Heyman and Ryback are the bad guys so we aren’t really allowed to give them credit for trolling on the side of goodness and tolerance. Regardless of who it offends and why, anti-gay heat (or PRO gay heat, either way) really does not need to be a part of my wrestling program. It just doesn’t have to be there.
That said, from the point of view of someone who likes Heyman and Ryback and thinks they’re funny for trolling the trogs in the WWE Universe, I enjoyed it. Heyman and Ryback as A Fine Frenzy-style Almost Lovers is wonderful to me, and if I could have Heyman kiss him on the cheek and have Ryback make that happy Muppet face every week, I would. I knew the resolution of the segment was gonna be Heyman asking Ryback to be a Paul Heyman Guy, but in the middle of it I started hoping that Heyman would just come out and he and Ryback could be in a loving relationship, if only to hear Cole and Lawler and JBL be all “proposal? YUCK!!” when they’re supposed to be Being Stars.
Best: CM Punk’s Master Plan
But WAIT, CM Punk is here, and he’s got a plan to finally get his revenge on Paul Heyman!
Spoiler alert, his plan is this:
If you missed it and can’t watch the video for some reason, Punk uses his music to distract Heyman (again!) and comes out of the crowd, jumping the rail, pretending to twist his knee and then lying on the ground in agony for like five minutes while everybody stands around confused. Eventually Heyman wanders close enough to the ropes that Punk can secretly remove a kendo stick from under the ring, do a full stand and turn and hit him in the legs ONCE before sliding in and fighting Axel and Ryback.
So, uh, he knows that if he’d just used the distraction, brought a kendo stick with him and immediately slid into the ring he probably could’ve gotten one shot on Heyman before getting jumped by The Guys, right? The exact same thing would’ve happened, only he might’ve hit him in the face instead of clipping his loafers. Was a musical distraction PLUS a false injury PLUS a hidden weapon necessary? Next week he should dress up like a chicken and try to hand Heyman a coupon.
Worst: Alberto Del Rio Leaves No Mercy In The Ring!
Unless he’s also planning to leave a Nintendo 64 I’m not interested in what you have to say, Rob.
Best: Even The WWE Announcers And Universe Are Starting To Figure Out That The Shield Is Good
For almost a year now I’ve been complaining about how the WWE announcers watch 3-on-3 tag matches featuring The Shield and pretend like they’re cheating because they’re bad guys who win. They don’t. The Shield never uses foreign objects, they never hold the tights, they never expose the turnbuckle and get in cheap shots … they tag in and out effectively, care about one another and work as a team. That becomes THE DAMNED NUMBERS GAME, as though giving it an Obamacare-esque name makes it bad. Sorta like how they give heel champions shit for using “the champion’s advantage” when it is literally the advantage afforded to you legally as a wrestling champion. Good guys who cash in Money in the Bank are exciting. Bad guys who do it are opportunistic cowards. IT IS THE RULES YOU DECIDED ON, GUYS.
But yeah, now most of the commentary is build around how the Shield are jerks, sure, but they wrestle all the time and WIN all the time and are an unstoppable juggernaut tandem success. Even the less-literate YouTube commenters are catching on.
There’s a real value to wrestling bad guys being accepted as good at their jobs. Not everybody has to take shortcuts to be a heel. You can be the best person in the world at your job and not cheat or lie or steal and people can still find reasons to hate you. See also Tiger Woods, LeBron James, Floyd Mayweather, and on and on. Those guys got heat by being better than their competition at thing and being awful people while they did it. That’s The Shield. Or at least it should be.
Best: I Could Watch Roman Reigns Spear Dudes All Day
Sorry, that Best might make the WWE crowd boo me. Gay gay gay!
Seriously though, Roman Reigns might be the first person in wrestling history to make the spear look like the devastating, brain-splattering thing it can be. It helps when he’s got Dolph Ziggler on the other end of it — poor, poor Dolph Ziggler — but I love it and wish I could watch him end people by simply existing THROUGH them all the time. Thankfully last week’s 11-on-3 match featuring 3 consecutive single-handed spear victories for Reigns sorta cemented him as Kingshit of Spear Mountain, so that works. Roman’s spear makes Goldberg’s look like Edge’s.
Worst: The Same Match As Before, Only Now Hornswoggle Is Here And He Kinda Looks Like A Pig
Back on September 9, Santino Marella returned to Raw and had an unexpectedly fun match with Antonio Cesaro. It featured some comedy, a colossal giant swing and Santino winning with a reversal into a roll-up for an upset victory.
Last night, they had the exact same match. Same comedy, same colossal giant swing, same Santino winning with a reversal into a roll-up for an upset. The only differences were that Santino’s been back for a month, the crowd wasn’t hot and now The Great Khali and Hornswoggle are standing at ringside because Natalya dumped them to hang out with the Bellas. Also Hornswoggle has gained like 50 pounds since the last time I paid attention to him and he’s wearing a bright pink cancer shirt so he looks like a pig. They should call up Charlotte and have her repeatedly save Hornswoggle’s job by writing messages in her roll-ups.
Anyway, we all agree that Cesaro constantly losing on Raw is one of the worst and stupidest things WWE does, so I’ll skip copying-and-pasting in that irate paragraph about how creative’s run by lobotomized dolts in favor of asking why Hornswoggle suddenly has Sting’s hair.
I want more like this!
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