Worst: Why Is Jerry Lawler Dressed Like An Energy Drink
Hey Jerry, that guy’s wearing a pink shirt that says YES YES YES across the front in bubble letters and you’re still wearing the most embarrassing thing in the ring. Stop buying your shirts at the gas station.
Worst: Sarcastic Daniel Bryan Is The Worst Daniel Bryan
WWE Superstars who suddenly become popular can do three things to turn me against them:
1. Start insulting women so wrestling fans who can’t form relationships with women will cheer them
2. Try too hard to pander and be funny
3. Say things that aren’t true to support their points of view because nobody in the booth or the crowd will fact check them
Bryan treaded lightly on number one whenever he interacted with AJ Lee and managed to call her a whore without necessarily dropping the Dolph Ziggler-esque “you’re a WHORE” card, pretending like he wasn’t a bad guy who emotionally abused her for several months, but he didn’t wallow in it like Ziggler or Ryder so I gave him a pass. Him calling Stephanie a “word that starts with B!” was almost there.
The problem isn’t number one, though, it’s numbers two and three. Bryan has been convinced by SOMEBODY that constant sarcasm is the way to get WWE crowds behind him, so no matter what happens now he starts off his retort with WOW YOU DID A GREAT JOB SAYING WHATEVER IT IS YOU JUST SAID, OH YEAH GREAT JOB EVERYBODY ISN’T HE GREAT. It’s terrible. It’s started making me side with Orton, who is a horrible speaker and an over-explainer, but at least he’s saying things he seems like he means and follows it up by decapitating people. Number three creeps in in situations like last night, when Bryan tells Orton that Triple H inspired him because he knew Orton couldn’t reach his full potential without help, something HE’s never needed! The crowd cheers, and I guess we will not remember that Daniel Bryan kayfabe only got a job in WWE because he participated in a show literally built around established WWE superstars teaching rookies how to reach their full potential. We’ll also forget AJ and that summer he spent going through WWE-ordered anger management therapy. Because, you know, bootstraps or whatever.
I love Daniel Bryan and I want him to be great and successful forever. His matches are still amazing and I haven’t turned on him or whatever, but I can’t just blindly say I like something if I don’t. I have a bad habit of loving wrestlers who eventually hit this point … my two favorite wrestling characters of all time were WCW Trophy Hunter/Conspiracy Victim Chris Jericho and Nation of Domination Rock, and they turned into the two strongest, most soulless pillars of hateful, pandering, unfunny WWE babyfacedom. I don’t want that to happen to Bryan.
Worst: Yep, A Concerned Girlfriend Is Exactly What This Feud Needed
The other thing Daniel Bryan did not need to become the most popular guy in the company is a Concerned Damsel Girlfriend to stand around and yell things like RANDY NO while he gets beaten up. The acknowledgment that Bryan and Brie Bella are a couple is necessary to maintain that shifty kayfabe relationship between Total Divas and WWE TV, but this guy’s been fighting his ass off for months … he does no need someone to feel badly for him while he’s doing it. We already like him and identify with him. He doesn’t need to act like somebody else, have somebody else’s baggage, be a character he isn’t to make him more palatable. He’s already palatable. He has great matches and he yells a thing people like to yell. You are already making money. Stop trying to fix a thing that isn’t broken.
Also, if you’re gonna let Total Divas storylines control what happens on Raw, keep it in the Divas division, won’t you? I don’t want to get to season 3 and have to watch Jojo having brunch with Bray Wyatt or whatever.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
How many Rhodes must a man run down, before they’ll call him a McMahon?
This whole pink T-Shirt thing is actually Khali’s fault. He tried to be helpful by washing everyone else’s shirts, but he threw his pants in too and washed everything in hot water.
If Mr. Perfect were still alive he’d probably love Ziggler like the son he never had.
Curtis Axel is currently sitting in the backseat of Heyman’s car with the windows rolled up and the radio off.
Big Show: “I’m going to knock Triple H out….”
Narrator: “He didn’t.”
*Heath & Jinder about to go to sleep in their hotel room*
Heath: “..Hey Jinder, you awake?”
Heath: “You know it is going to be us, right? We are going to wrestle Los Matadores in their debut tomorrow.”
Drew: “I’M FROM SCOTLAND!!!”
Heath: “We know Drew, we know. Go to bed.”
Big Baby Yeezus
Los Matadores’ Entrance theme sounds like music from a Crash Bandicoot level
Don’t forget: You mess with the bull, you get the Hornswoggle
With Big Show’s crying fit and the Rhodes family showing up..tonight Raw’s going to get a little
Luckily, Big Show punched the wall where Andy Dufresne had dug his way out of Trip’s office.
Thanks, everybody. See you on Sunday for WWE BATTLETOADS.
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