Best: I Want Enzo, Big Cass And Aiden English For Three Hours
Seriously. Three hours. Three full primetime hours of Enzo and Big Cass trying to interact with Aiden English and failing, but also succeeding like mad. Highlights from this include:
- Enzo having a MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR, which makes him even smaller and quicker and weirder than before.
- Enzo furiously explaining how he’s going to sue somebody for not being handicap accessible
- SAWFT T-SHIRTS. GET ON MY BODY.
- “You puttin’ the wall to sleep over here pal?”
- Aiden English dreaming of Broadway and ending up on Vaudeville
- “holding a microphone and belching into it”
- Enzo’s amazing EH WHA BUH HUH UH WHA BUH start to sentences he can’t quite get out because he’s so excited to be mad
- pipes that blow EXHAUUUUUUST
- “I’m gonna drop you like an unnecessary theater elective. HOW YOU DOIN’.”
- suh suh suh suh suh suh SAWFT
If Bo Dallas hadn’t given that slideshow presentation about cookies this would be the best non-wrestling NXT thing of the year. Let these characters interact more often, and give me as much Aiden English vs. Enzo Amore feud as I can handle.
Best: THIS IS AWESOME CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP
THIS IS WRESTLING CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP
THIS IS WRESTLING CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP
This is the week we’ve all been waiting for, folks, when the two men who define Ring of Honor most — incessantly serious karate kick-out king Davey Richards and his tag team partner Eddie “Eddie Edwards” Edwards — debut in NXT as the “American Pitbulls,” a name that almost works like American Wolves and suggests that both the ECW Pitbull and Kid Kash/Jamie Noble combinations were made up of foreigners.
And oh God, it was beautiful. They aren’t even trying to pretend they aren’t the Wolves, they have the matching gear and the way-too-busy stage taunting and the “THEY’VE WRESTLED IN THE ORIENT” reputation. They get to throw running kicks and do dives. All we needed was Cheeseburger and a crowd that shames women simply for being women and we’d be 40 minutes into ROH TV.
Honestly? It was pretty fun. The Ascension’s “we challenge anybody in the world” gag is a great way to bring in a bunch of fresh faces to an otherwise empty tag division, whether you keep them around or not. Run them against seven or eight “worldly” teams we’ve never seen before, keep three of four of them, give everybody stories and we’re fine again. On top of that, Richards and Edwards are guys who could probably really benefit from WWE Developmental. Some guys show up ready to go (Danielson, Sami Zayn) but others, as popular as they are, need help. Tyler Black’s a great example. Tyler Black is about a billion times better as Seth Rollins as he ever could’ve been doing phoenix splashes in armories for another ten years, and maybe two years from now we’ll be marking for TAFKA Eddie Edwards on Raw. Stranger things have happened.
Worst: Way To Almost Kill Davey Richards, “Viktor”
Somewhere at home, BJ Whitmer wonders, “was that a shout-out to me?”
Worst: Nice Lumberjacking, Jobbers
The main-event was a lumberjack match between Bo Dallas and Adrian Neville for the NXT Championship, and I guess everybody on the NXT roster was out to lunch because the lumberjacks were all HILARIOUS NOBODIES. Guys even I can’t identify. Their job was to stand around mindlessly, roll Bo Dallas back into the ring once and provide a nice landing surface for Adrian Neville near the end. That’s it. Just a collection of weird Draugr motherf*ckers in colored panties and sometimes cowboy hats. Wonderful.
Best: Tyler Breeze Gets Telegraphed So Hard
Sorry, the lumberjacks were 14 guys you’ve never heard of and ALSO TYLER BREEZE RANDOMLY, which has got to be the most telegraphed moment of interference in WWE history. Seriously, why else would ONE GUY we know and like be out there amongst the biggest possible bums? It’s not like CJ Parker and Corey Graves and all those jerks were out there too. It was like on an 80s cartoon where a character is in a grocery store and they approach a bunch of tomatoes, and all the tomatoes are blurry and faded into the background except for one RED ASS TOMATO right in the middle, so you know that’s the one the character’s interacting with. Tyler Breeze was the tomato you noticed.
Adrian Neville deserved what he got, too. When Bo Dallas rolled out of the ring, the lumberjack simply grabbed him and rolled him back in. No unnecessary punching or kicking, just doin’ their job. Breeze did the same thing. Neville goes to the outside so Breeze picks him up and tries to roll him back into the ring. Neville blocks it and slaps Breeze in the face. What for? Breeze wasn’t interfering. He is the only notable lumberjack and you slap him in the face? Of COURSE he’s going to f*ck you over, dude, didn’t you learn anything from teaming with Cool Corey?
So now we move into the new year with an Adrian Neville/Tyler Breeze beef, Paige vs. Emma still bound to happen and the Bo Dallas title defense schedule cleared up nicely so Sami Zayn can run in boot raised and take it away. 2014 is going to be really great. I am agreeing with Triple H and I’m excited for wrestling.
I really might be dying.
I want more like this!
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