Worst: I Care About Being Champion More Than Anything, Except For This Situation Where I Get To Taunt And Do A Signature Move
Let’s accept everything we’ve heard as fact. The World Heavyweight Championship that has been around for almost 110 years and the WWE Championship your entire life and livelihood has been built around your ENTIRE LIFE, including childhood birthday parties, are hanging above you. All you have to do to is reach up and grab them and you get to own them both. You’re in a match against this evil guy who is kinda-sorta backed by the evil people who run your company. You’ve just knocked him off a ladder and he’s lying on the ground unconscious for at least 30 seconds. Your fingertips are SERIOUSLY LIKE AN INCH AWAY FROM TOUCHING THE BELTS. What do you do?
HOW ABOUT DOING A SIGNATURE TAUNT AND DOING A F*CKING FALLING PUNCH ON HIM
YEAH THAT MAKES THE MOST SENSE
Look at that photo. His hands are practically wedged between the belts. Orton is not moving. JUST GRAB THEM. STOP BEING STUPID.
Best/Worst: The Ring Crew Express
I’m giving John Cena’s ability to disassemble a ring quickly to problem solve on the fly a Best, with the slash Worst for it having been done before. Remember when CM Punk got handcuffed to the rope? If you’re the kind of person who votes JOHN CENA in the Slammys you probably don’t, but most of us do. But this is the world where Randy Orton has “never lived up to his potential” as an 11-time champion and where John Cena doesn’t have the “killer instinct” to win a TLC match despite winning several of them, murdering guys with cars and construction cranes and ambulances and using duct tape to beat guys in Last Man Standing matches.
Worst: Even The Graphics Department Doesn’t Know What This Title’s Supposed To Be
How much does this guy heavyweigh?
Best: So We’re NOT Swerving?
Randy Orton wins the WWE World Heavyweight Championship (which I guess is what they’re calling it) and is suddenly surrounded by a returning Vince McMahon and Triple H, who stands juuuust far enough away that every time Orton moves you think he’s gonna turn around and eat a pedigree. It was driving me crazy. I was like, okay NOW. Okay NOW. Here it comes. Here it comes NOW. Oh see his arm moved slightly PEDIGREE NOW WAIT NO. I felt like Michael Cole calling nearfalls.
The horrible thing we thought was gonna happen didn’t happen. Let’s be happy about that, right? Don’t be mad that the match had a clean (in context) ending. The lesson we can learn from TLC is much more important.
See, I think the actual results was supposed to be Triple H winning the titles. I believe it in my heart. Everything pointed to it. But remember a few years ago when Chris Jericho was a lock to win the Royal Rumble and everybody reported it, so WWE got mad and Sheamus suddenly won? We can use our collective pessimism to affect change. If we KNOW something bad’s gonna happen, we need to unite in the common goal of telling people it will, posting it online, sending it to dirt sheets, turning it into hashtags. If we write about it enough, WWE thinks we’re “expecting” it and changes it. Similarly, if we want to … say, see Daniel Bryan win the WWE Championship, we can’t say “I hope Daniel Bryan wins the WWE Championship!” We have to say “Randy Orton is obviously winning. This is the most predictable thing ever.” Then maybe Bryan gets to win.
It’s all about gaming the system. The system of Internet-obsessed, Internet-hating weirdos.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Reigns: “The hospital don’t take thoroughbreds, they put them down after they get… shit. Wait, I got this, the hospital isn’t the same as the vet’s because-”
Ambrose: “It’s okay man, I’ll talk, just look handsome.”
CM Punk plans on taking out Roman Reigns by panting a picture of himself into the side of the crowd barricade and having Reigns run head first into it.
“You okay, JBL?”
“Yeah! I’m gay now though!”
Match ends by Sandow trying to sweep Langston’s leg but Langston jumps over it until he gets tired.
I love how Axel screams BEFORE Show hits him. Premature SHA-jaculation
Well, I’m sitting in a Chair. My beer is on a table next to me. If a light bulb blows out I”ll have more TLC then this PPV.
CrazySexyCool had more TLC in it than this PPV.
Bray Wyatt makes Raven look like Kerwin White
The difference between HHH and Jesus is that HHH has never waited three days to sell a beating
Im at Buffalo Wild Wing. If I want this match to go on longer, my bartender hits the WWE button and it raises the belts six inches higher.
Thanks, everybody. See you tomorrow for Raw. And then on Wednesday for EXTRA RAW.
I want more like this!
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