Boobies. Breasts. Tits. Tittays. Jugs. Cans. Suppliers of life. Call them what you want, but in the first minute of this week’s episode of Total Divas on E!, mammary was the name of the game. Not only were we presented with Trinity’s most pressing issue – her top was loose and that could have caused one of her breasts to pop out during a match – but Nattie showed up out of nowhere to also basically flash her boob to the entire viewing audience of me, several of you and a lot of guys who show up to live WWE events and shout, “You’re so perfect!” at the Bella Twins.
But hey, this is a Sunday night show that we’re talking about, and where else is E!’s key demographic going to find women teasing nip slips at this time? Certainly not on The Walking Dead, you’re welcome very much. As for the rest of this week’s episode, Ariane is about to take me to a very bad place.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) JoJo – A shocking choice, but I feel like we haven’t seen her in a month, so she’s suddenly my favorite.
2) Trinity – Always the coolest customer on the show.
3) Brie Bella – The more down-to-Earth of the Bella Twins.
4) Nattie – POOR POOR NATTIE.
5) Nikki Bella and her breasts – I still love that she spent the entire last episode complaining about John Cena without even thinking to just talk to him.
6) Ariane – By opening up over the last two episodes, she became more likable, but she’s still with Vincent and he’s the worst.
7) Eva Marie – We should talk about the way she walks at some point. It drives me nuts.
Now on with this week’s episode…
Ariane is Trying to Become a Pop Star
The title of this week’s episode of Total Divas is “Get That Chingle Chingle,” and as soon as I read that on my DVR, I had the most dreaded thought imaginable: “This episode is going to mostly be about Ariane and she’s going to say a lot of her ridiculous made-up catch phrases.” Sure enough, we meet up with Ariane in the studio, as she’s recording her debut single, “Bye Bye.” Naturally, she referred to it as her “bomb dot com single” and she explained that it’s all part of the effort to “make that chingle chingle.”
Look, I know Ariane is young and ambitious. I actually admire her for that, despite the fact that I’m harder on her than even Eva Marie, who sometimes walks like she’s transporting a carton of eggs between her legs. But her neverending need to spew forth these ridiculous catchphrases, coupled with the squeaky-voiced girly girl routine, and then rolled up in the hellish fart cloud that is Vincent’s weekly presence is just way too much, and it works against her.
With her in the studio is Ariane’s manager, Terrell Maclin, and I don’t know if he’s good at what he does or if he’s just another Patrice Wilson, but he needs to be honest with his client and explain to her that being a cartoon character pop singer has been done to death and is not “outside the box” as she believes. “Bye Bye” will just end up being an afterthought in the nickel download MP3 bin on iTunes, because nobody is going to take Ariane seriously at this rate. Ariane needs to be less of the bomb dot com and more of the wiz of her own dot biz.
Vincent Also Has a Few Projects Under His Belt
Ariane is trying to expand her brand so she wants Vincent to do the same, which is odd because I wasn’t aware that he was capable of doing anything other than going full party mode. Even as he explains to her that he’s trying to get his hookah business off the ground – aren’t we all? – she thinks that he should give wrestling a shot.
This was apparently Corey Graves’ reaction to Vincent working out at the developmental facility in Orlando:
That Tweet doesn’t seem to exist anymore, but it’s probably his best of all-time, if Brandon’s assessments of him tell me anything.
To Vincent’s credit, since I’m being nicer to everyone today, he knows this is an awful idea and even tells Ariane that after Hugh Morris calls her to tell her he’ll let Vincent audition. Like, I’ve always thought it would be awesome to be the next Mouth of the South, but would I want to actually audition for that? Well, yes. But I’d at least recognize that I might not be as good at it in person as I think it would look in my head. So Vincent gets a little credit for having the foresight to know that big muscles do not equal automatic WWE talent.
Needless to say, Vincent’s audition didn’t go well, and it involved Hugh G. Rection yelling at him to the point that he cried in front of his woman. I honestly felt kind of bad for Vincent after I finished laughing for two minutes.
Eva Marie is Getting an Action Figure
Despite the fact that she can’t wrestle or even remember basic facts about WWE Superstars long enough to become a ring announcer, Eva Marie is being immortalized with her very own action figure. I assume that if you push a button, the doll says, “Uhhhhhhhhh, Ginger Mahal” and then groans for a few more seconds before squeezing its breasts together.
Trinity’s Dad Comes to Town and Crashes at Her Place
One of the things that I love about Trinity and Jon Uso is that even when they’re being scripted into little fights or silly situations, they make the best of it. Just as a couple, goofing around with each other and being in love, they’re better than anything else on this show, short of Daniel Bryan playing with his little dog. I also love that they’re humble and trying to bust their asses to make names for themselves, and in the meantime they live in a small one bedroom apartment.
That’s why it just seemed odd and uncomfortable when Trinity’s dad rolled up with a cart full of his band’s equipment to crash at their place. Of course the show is going to force some awkwardness between and Jon and Trinity’s dad, because they couldn’t just leave the one consistently fun part of the show alone.
Blah blah blah, Trinity and Jon get into a fight because he has to sleep on the floor while her dad comes in at all hours of the night, making noise after his shows, and Jon eventually storms off makes it seem like he’s leaving her. Spoiler alert: He’s not.
Don’t Tell Nikki and John Cena That They’re on Mini Vacations
Since Nikki and her breasts and Cena have made up after the whole stupid misunderstanding over the cohabitation agreement, and because they’re both taking time away from WWE action to recover from injuries, they have a lot more time to spend together. Now that they’re roomies, Nikki wants to help Cena decorate his giant, empty home and make it look a little more charming and warm. Cena, being a bro’s bro, isn’t into the whole decorating thing, so he spends a lot of his time in this episode making funny faces.
For example…
(GIFs via)
My Least Favorite Part of the Episode
I was going to say that I think it’s funny that Cena lets Nikki drive his Maserati everywhere, because if it’s my very expensive car, I’m going to ask that she consider taking the everyday Prius or whatever the hell else I have. But then they showed Nikki driving with her phone in one hand and the other hand in the air, thus leaving no human hands for the steering wheel, and I flipped out. I can’t ever stress how much texting while driving and talking on the phone while driving makes me lose my sh*t, but seeing someone famous doing it on TV is just awful. Get your sh*t together, E! and the WWE.
There’s Probably a Good Reason Why John Cena is Divorced
Nikki decides that to kill the tension a little in regard to her feeling like she’s a guest in Cena’s home, she’s going to cook them a very nice dinner. Cena didn’t even enjoy it because he has to live a certain way all the time, or he doesn’t feel comfortable. He’s a guy. He’s a bro’s bro. Don’t mess with a bro’s home, okay?
But then that bro has to know that he’s going to spend the rest of his life alone. A bro has to make some concessions if he wants his hot babe to be happy and live with him, so he ended up buying Nikki and her breasts some candles and picture frames so she can decorate a little. Whoever said that love is dead has never watched a man who wears expensive dress shirts with shorts give his girlfriend 12 cheap roses.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) JoJo – I’m starting to worry about the girl. She’s nowhere to be found.
2) Brie Bella – This is kind of a default ranking because she was barely on this week’s episode.
3) Nattie – She had limited time and managed to fill it all with jealous rage.
4) Ariane – A huge jump because I admired the way she was trying to motivate her man yet was also comforting him.
5) Nikki Bella – On one hand, I get what she was trying to do, but on the other hand, making a man change his living arrangement is a gradual process. I’m not trying to be a Tim Allen sitcom character here, but forcing a guy to make drastic changes to his everyday lifestyle is good for no one.
6) Trinity – It wasn’t fair to make her choose between Jon and her dad, but I didn’t enjoy any of that nonsense this week.
7) Eva Marie – I hope they give her action figure armpit hair.
On Next Week’s Episode: Nikki and Brie are going to argue while Nattie’s cat dies. Someone get the Emmy committee on the phone!
(All images via E!, Raw Smackdown NXT Divas and here)