The Ryan Leaf Most Useless QB Award: Eli Manning
Until three weeks ago, this award had Tom Brady’s name all over it, but he has come on strong in three of the last four games. Eli Manning, on the other hand, well… I’ll put it this way – I’m pretty sure that Eli has been on at least 8 of the teams in one of my leagues this season, including mine. And each time that someone has picked him up, he has been started because, “Maybe this is the week!” All the while, people kept saying, “It’s because he doesn’t have a running back, David Wilson sucking and being hurt is affecting him.” Wrong. He just lost it. It’s that simple. Eventually the DERP overwhelmed the talent and he became average at best.
The Ki-Jana Carter LVP Award: Trent Richardson
The runners-up are Ray Rice and CJ Spiller, but Richardson gets the nod because he just consistently laid egg farts all season long. Thinking back to when he was traded to the Colts, I can only laugh at how I and so many others thought he was going to be Edgerrin James in his prime. Nope. Instead, he’s just a wasted Top 5 or Top 10 pick in most leagues. (Although, I would be willing to give Spiller this distinction for anyone who took him No. 1 overall, like I had considered if I’d earned the No. 1 pick in any of my leagues.)
The Guy You Should Have Taken with the No. 2 Pick Instead of Arian Foster: Calvin Johnson
I laughed at a friend for taking Calvin Johnson No. 3 overall in our draft and he’s probably going to win the league, or at the very least he’s going to knock me out of the playoffs. That’s how fantasy football karma works. I sincerely believe that in order to win, you have to be equal parts humble and confident. It has nothing to do how you set your lineups or which players you bench. If you believe this, please send me $1 million so I can finish opening my fantasy football church.
The Lee Evans NEVER F*CKING AGAIN Award: Chris Johnson
In fairness, CJ1K had a few games this season that helped me; however, there were too many times that I found myself saying, “God, I need at least 5 points out of him.” Never again, Chris Johnson. Never again.
The MVP that You Probably Won’t Admit is Your MVP: Steven Hauschka
I love you, Steven Hauschka. I lost Doug Martin, David Wilson and Julio Jones, but you kept putting up double digits for me.
The MVP Defense that You Probably Grabbed Off Waivers After Week 2: Kansas City Chiefs
Or maybe the Carolina Panthers. But I firmly believe that I made the playoffs in all three of my leagues because I looked at the Kansas City Chiefs defense and thought, “Yeah, they might be good since they don’t play Denver until Week 9.” Granted, I’m losing more because their schedule is hell, but those are the risks we take.
The “F*ck It, I’ll Take Him and Sit on Him for a Few Week” Award: Josh Gordon
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU, JUSTIN BLACKMON! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!!!
I want more like this!
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