Last night I attended an Aziz Ansari stand-up performance.

There are times when the internet depress the hell out of me.

Last week we told you, with happy hearts, about Jonathan's Card, the pay-it-forward-y social experiment of an app developer named Jonathan Stark that allowed people to buy cups of coffee for strangers using the barcode of his Starbucks card.

Things don't feel quite right in the universe unless "Boardwalk Empire" actress Paz de la Huerta is pissing people off while her breasts desperately try to free themselves from her clothing, and I'm happy to report that everything is totally normal.

Let's face it, if the state of Arizona was a person, it'd be an assh*le -- that old, loud, inbred, racist uncle whose DNA link to you makes you cringe just thinking about it.

Last week Regis Philbin announced his departure from "Live with Regis and Kelly," a show he's hosted since his co-host was in middle school.

I don't watch "Wife Swap" because the title describes something that should be way more sexy than the reality of the show, so I missed the recent episode in which the liberal-elite Stephen Fowler of San Francisco traded his life-coach wife for Gayla Long, a well-meaning Missouri simpleton.

Joaquin Phoenix took his Andy Kaufmanesque "acting and grooming bore me" character to Letterman last night, and poor Dave had to deal with terse, one-word answers and general dickishness throughout the painfully awkward interview.