Keep calm and carry on.

Okay here's the thing: I've done everything in my power to avoid the so-called "South Beach cannibal" story -- the tragic tale of the homeless guy who had his face eaten off by another homeless guy who was hopped up on bath salts in Miami.

Every now and then, a local news outlet -- typically one below the Mason-Dixon line -- will unleash something onto the web so jaw-droppingly insane that, as a person who writes on the internet, I can almost feel myself becoming engorged as I read it.