Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, noted dimwit stars of "The Hills," gave a tour of their house and showed off their machine guns. NO ONE IS SAFE.

Taken at some sort of MTV-related shindig in 2007 or 2008 based on the shows' overlapping air dates and the subdued levels of Heidi Montag plastic surgery.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag -- the unapologetic villains of "The Hills" and arguably the most shameless famewhores of the 21st century -- were ubiquitous in the gossip news cycle until America's collective revulsion finally rendered them obsolete.

Pictured here are Ashley Dupre, Heidi Montag, and Danielle Staub, who were photographed with Jake Pavelka in Los Angeles as cameras filmed them earlier this week.

Being America’s most eligible bachelor means that I’ve long been an expert of maintaining a sophisticated and stylish home that is indicative of a classy love stallion.

Oh man oh God oh man Oh God oh man.

The New York Times claims that Hollywood casting directors are giving more and more roles to Brits and Aussies -- not because their sexy accents turn them on, but because the plastic surgery many American actresses have makes them too much alike.

Heidi Montag -- or Heidi Pratt, or Heidi Retard-Pratt, I'm not sure which she's going with these days -- followed up the TEN cosmetic surgeries she underwent in November with the wildly successful release of her new album, the appropriately titled Superficial.

Believe me, I don't like writing Speidi news any more than you like reading it, and I wouldn't be writing about them at all if this didn't involve naked tits.