Crappy photos give kittens cancer. Like, literally rub their noses in it. Why do you hate kittens?

Following Roger Goodell's lead, Apple CEO Tim Cook issued an apology this morning for the Apple Maps fiasco that has ruined so many lives. Your move, Kim Jong Un.

"Scuffgate", because we've literally run out of anything important to whine about as a society.

Whatever it is in the iPhone 5 power cable, it's making third-party power cables useless... and may be covering up a huge corporate failure.

Sam Roberts interviewed people camping out to buy an Apple iPhone 5 in front of an Apple store in New York City. Rachel is our favorite.

I'm totally qualified for VP of Thickness.

It's like Apple is manipulating availability of the iPhone 5 to make it seem more rare than it actually is!

Well, okay, I guess I'm sold then! Eat it, unpaid Chinese students forced to help build iPhone 5s with no pay! How could I, or anyone else, possibly resist not upgrading to an iPhone 5 now?! I'm sure this has everything to with why the new iPhone is selling at a record pace.

That shiny new iPhone 5 of yours? Yes, it was built at Foxconn, but some parts of it were built by unpaid students forced to work there.