In the realm of hacky old media sports writers, Mitch Albom – the author of syrupy classics like “Tuesdays With Morrie” and “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” — is perhaps the hackiest of all the hacks. Mitch Albom, as you might expect, hates the internet, which is part of the reason why his audience consists mainly of fossils. Yes, Mitch Albom is a man whose prose bears the stale smell of Vitalis hair tonic and moth balls, and I’m completely convinced that in another life he was my great-grandfather’s favorite cardigan sweater.
So what’s the master peddler of shallow morality tales up to these days? Well he paid a visit to the Apple Store — the Apple Store — and was downright taken aback by this mystical land, so much so that he felt compelled to regale his mummified audience with a column detailing his trip to this futuristic scary place where Rascal scooters have been replaced by invisible flying carts, or something.
They say there are nine planets in the solar system. But that is not true. There is a 10th.
The Apple Store.
The mall in which this Planet Apple Store was located was virtually deserted. It was midweek and midday and as I approached the big white apple sign, I had reason to be optimistic, because if you shot a cannon down the corridor you’d hit nothing but a Rosetta Stone kiosk.
Wrong. Planet Apple Store was still as jammed as a Tokyo street crossing. At least half the people wore blue shirts with an apple on the front. These were the employees whom Apple calls “Geniuses,” which, when compared with you and me, is an understatement.
One such Genius signed me in (on a handheld device, which I’m sure took my vital signs and spat out my SAT scores) and another summoned me to the Genius Bar, where the Geniuses presumably pour each other blue drinks like those “Star Wars” creatures, and where a redheaded female Genius with the tattoo of a something crawling up her arm looked me in the eye, smiled sweetly and said, “You pathetic imbecile.”
And naturally, he couldn’t resist getting in a barb about Time Machine…
I did not realize a Time Machine was a device Apple sold for data storage. I just figured the Geniuses had mastered time travel and assumed the rest of us dummies dropped by from the 17th Century.
HARDY-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR! This is why they pay Mitch Albom the big bucks, ladies and gentlemen. You don’t get to be Andy Rooney’s favorite writer by pandering to people with fancy, non-dial-up internet connections! (Just wait until he finds about the invisible iPhone!)