Apparently If You Own An iPad You Also Own A Messenger Bag

If there has been a stupider cultural argument than the one over whether or not it matters what kind of bag you stick your crap in if you have a Y chromosome, I haven’t found it, which is saying something since “finding stupidity on the Internet” is essentially my job description.

Seriously, people, and not insane people on Topix but alleged journalists, people employed by Fox News and fashion blogs, along with various commenters are freaking out over guys having a bag slug over their shoulder.

Now, according to incredibly respectable British newspaper The Daily Mail, iPads and other gadgets mean four out of five men have messenger bags, man purses, whatever, and that they’re heavier than a woman’s purse. Except they call them manbags.

Sales of manbags have soared by 2,700 per cent since the start of the year, according to department store Debenhams.

Footballers David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo and rapper Jay-Z have all been seen carrying manbags.

Seriously, “manbags?” Who reads that and doesn’t think “Wait, Jay-Z didn’t have a scrotum? He had to go out and buy one?” Anyway, the Mail chalks this up to iPads and laptops, without ever raising the more obvious point of fashion.

Look, I am a nerd. I am a grown man who watches My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Much to the chagrin of my fiancee, I have all the fashion sense of an ape. And even I know that once you cross twenty-five, you cannot wear a backpack and be taken seriously as a human being, especially if you have a day job that requires wearing a suit.

At the same time, though, nobody owns a briefcase anymore, unless you are an MBA and also a raging dork. They’re annoying and uncomfortable, especially if you have to haul them long distances with heavy crap like a laptop inside of them. Keep in mind that if you work in, say, New York, you’ll be spending half an hour on public transit. That’s a long time to be standing with a ten-pound weight hanging off your arm.

In other words, if you want to remotely resemble an adult and be somewhat comfortable, your only option is what the British media seems to think is a scrotum. Well, at least you can get a leather scrotum.