The Tonight Show (NBC) — Conan O’Brien will be Jay Leno’s final guest before NBC ends a 17-year period of milquetoast pandering to the lowest common denominator. When Conan left “Late Night” in February, it was bittersweet: fans of the show had a feeling that the show would change as it moved west to LA and to an earlier time slot. Fans of Leno out there — not that they read blogs, much less know what one is — can rest assured they’ll get the same unimaginative chuckles at a time slot more conducive to their bedtimes next fall. Good riddance, you strike-breaking schmuck.
Un-Broke: What You Need to Know About Money (ABC) — **rubs temples** Surely there are some important lessons from the network that invested in “The Goode Family.”
Batman Begins (AMC) — Heath Ledger and The Dark Knight kind of make you forget this one exists, which is really a shame, because this is excellent. Except for any time Katie Holmes has lines.
NBA Playoffs (ESPN) — Western Conference Finals Game 6: Lakers at Nuggets. SPOILER: Nuggets win, Game 7 in LA on Sunday.
What Not to Wear (TLC) — Holy crap! They’re gonna make over Mayim Bialik! Freaking BLOSSOM! Also: Holy crap, a show on TLC that isn’t about genetic freaks or grossly obese people.
SATURDAY: I Love the New Millennium (VH1) — Remember “I Love the [Decade]“? Yeah, this is like that. Only they probably don’t have Michael Ian Black this time.
Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!) — Oh look, it’s a marathon! Should I put this bleach down my throat or in my eyes?
Groomer Has It (Animal Planet) — New episode tonight. But you already knew that, didn’t you? I mean, who can get enough of a reality show dog-groomer competition?
Nature’s Most Amazing Events (Discovery) — In Saturday’s all new episodes, you have dinner with your parents without them asking when you’ll give them some grandchildren.
SUNDAY: The Hills (MTV) –
OMIGOD, you guys. It’s totally Lauren’s last episode! The season finale! Isn’t it, like, crazy how seasons are only six episodes long? And Heidi and Spencer are getting married! OMG, what’s Kristin Cavallari doing here? Let’s all ask the question out loud even though we know the answer!
Superfly (BET) — Sweet.
The Tony Awards (CBS) — I’d make a wanking motion, but Neil Patrick Harris is hosting. And anything NPH does is okay with me. Yes, even the gay stuff.
Nacho Libre (Cartoon Network) — Damn, remember when everything Jack Black did was funny? Should he have died of an overdose after High Fidelity and the first Tenacious D album?
Ice Road Truckers (History) — You cannot be serious. They will make a reality show out of literally anything these days.
China’s Elephant Man (NatGeo) — “A physician removes life-threatening tumors from a Chinese man with who was born with an extreme case of neurofibromatosis.” Oh man, you just KNOW TLC is pissed it didn’t make this.