WHAT’S ON TONIGHT: FATTIES

Jillian Michaels will rape you into shape

The Biggest Loser (NBC) — Season premiere. With the exception of the interminable weigh-in scenes, I actually kind of like this show: it’s got a message that’s helpful to people without getting too saccharine. And that message is “Hey tubby, you actually look and feel better if you get off your mountainous ass and work out.” You just don’t see that on TV. If this were on Fox instead of NBC, they’d just award gastric bypass surgery to whoever ate the most live crickets.

More to Love (Fox) — Fun fact: Fatchelor Luke was actually cast after eating 37 live crickets. (Note: fun fact may be fabricated)

Big Brother 11 (CBS) — Two-hour finale. I find it hard to believe that the winner gets $500,000. Half a mil to live in a different house and compete in mildly challenging tasks for a couple months. Not doing anything that will serve society in the long-term. Just laying around the house and getting into arguments every now and again.

Dancing Tweens (TLC) — TV Guide: “Pre-teen dance couples from New England compete at the Yankee Classic DanceSport Championships.” If I ever see something on TLC that doesn’t make me want to punch their VP of Programming in the throat, I’ll let you know.

Sons of Anarchy (A&E FX *update*: f-ck you) — Holy crap! I almost forgot this was on tonight. As if  last week’s episode wasn’t already INTENSE enough for you, this week there’s an extra penis-wrinkle of awesomeness: Tom Arnold makes a guest turn as a rival porn producer to Luanne.

The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien (NBC) — Jennifer Aniston is the first guest. I’m not asking you to watch it, I’m merely asking you to take a Nielsen family hostage and change the channel to NBC starting at 11:35. Conan could use the boost.