TV IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH, ACCORDING TO OBVIOUS, UNNECESSARY REPORT

An Australian study conducted over the course of seven years has determined that people who watch four hours or more of television per day are 80% more likely to have a heart attack than people who watch two or hours or less. I was really eager to make fun of fatasses sitting in front of the TV because I’m relatively thin and in decent shape, but then the article hit me with this:

Every hour in a day spent engaged in sedentary behaviour such as watching TV or sitting at an office desk can increase the risk of having a heart attack or stroke by almost a fifth, according to Australian research.

This association appeared to hold regardless of other risk factors, including smoking, unhealthy diet and amount of exercise taken.

Aw man. The whole point of me exercising and not smoking is supposed to make up for the fact that I’m sitting behind a computer for at least ten hours a day. AND I’ve got a history of heart disease on my father’s side of the family. Thanks a lot, Dad. Way to sign my death warrant.

Tim Chico, consultant cardiologist at Sheffield Teaching Hospital, said that the study showed a convincing association, but not a direct causal relationship between television viewing and health.

“This study cannot tell us whether television makes people sick, or sicker people watch more television. However, it is fair to say that television provides no health benefit, and uses up time that could be used to improve wellbeing. It is ironic that TVs are getting thinner, while we are getting fatter.”

Ba-ZING. Well done, Mr. Chico. In addition to that biting wit, you managed to point out that TV has no health benefits. Good thing you went to medical school to tell me that.