Better Off Ted (ABC) — Weekly iteration: Dear ABC, don’t cancel it. Everyone else: watch it. Or don’t listen to me. Whatever’s gonna happen is gonna happen anyway.
White Collar (USA) — Winter premiere. The show has moved from Fridays to a new slot on Tuesdays, which may attract some viewers. Not me, though.
Paranormal Cops (A&E) Series premiere. Yahoo: “By day, they work as Chicago police officers, but after dark they moonlight as paranormal investigators…” Yeah, that’s where you lost me. “Hey, what should we call a show about people who crack down on the spirit world?” “Ghostbusters?” “No, we want it to sound original.”
Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo) — Season premiere. Ahhh, I see Patti’s back for another season of me looking for new ways to call her a hatchet-faced bitch. Very well. Bring it on, you beak-nosed harpy-troll.
Dirty Jobs (Discovery) — Mike joins Miami’s Chicken Busters to round up feral chickens. He needs to come to Brooklyn and find the goddam rooster that one of my neighbors keeps. I swear to God I’m going to hunt that bird down and strangle it with my bare hands.
Blue Mountain State (Spike) — Okay, who watched it last week? Raise your AXE body spray.