WHAT’S ON: MEGAN FOX, KRISTIN KREUK

The Buried Life (MTV) — The mission is “ask out the girl of your dreams.” Megan Fox makes an appearance. And no, she doesn’t take her clothes off, so you won’t see MEGAN FOX NAKED or a MEGAN FOX SEX SCENE. *cashes check*

Chuck (NBC) — Kristin Kreuk continues her four-episode stint as Hannah, the new Buy More employee. Not a bad consolation prize if you happen to blow it with the sexy blonde spy in your life.

Kell on Earth (Bravo) — Series premiere. I don’t need to know anything about this show to hate it.

RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo) — Season premiere. I’m not sure if I even have Logo in my cable package. (That marks the first time the Logo network and “package” have been used in the same sentence without any innuendo.)

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel) — Tony’s in Prague this week. I would murder any one of you to live his life. And I’d expect the same from you.

For the Love of Ray J (VH1) — Season finale. With any luck, there won’t be any more seasons. Because I want it to get canceled. I wanted to make that clear in case someone interpreted that as an implicit desire for Ray J to get mauled to death by a syphilitic bear.

The Bachelor (ABC) — It’s a two-hour episode tonight. Why? Because writing real television shows costs money, dammit.

CSI: Miami (CBS) — Anthony Michael Hall guest stars as a man on death row, and Horatio’s team will examine the forensic evidence to see if Hall really murdered his wife and daughter. “This is a most unusual case. We may have to use some… *sunglasses* … Weird Science.” YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!