(image may not accurately reflect TV show)
Police Women of Maricopa County (TLC) — Wait a second. So they’re just lady cops? They’re not little people? Or making cakes? And they don’t have huge litters of children? I don’t get it, TLC. What’s the angle?
American Idol (Fox) — The bottom two guys and girls get winnowed out, leaving a mere 20 contestants. *spins chamber, holds gun to head, pulls trigger* Nope. I guess I’m sticking around long enough to write about it for another week.
The Deep End (ABC) — Season finale. Oh wow, I can’t believe I missed every single episode of “Attractive Young Lawyers, LLC.” I hope it gets renewed so I can not watch it again next year!
Planet Earth (Animal Planet) — Yes, it’s obviously a repeat. But I wanted to give you enough of a heads-up so you can score a dime bag before watching four hours of this in HD.
Behind Bars (Discovery) — This downer of a series is about prison, not actual bars. I actually just shelled out for my own bar. Black vinyl, restored from the 1960s. It really lends a noble air to drinking alone.
Archer (FX) — No new episode tonight, but there will be four episodes playing from 10 to midnight (Eastern): “Diversity Hire,” “Honeypot,” “Mole Hunt,” and “Training Day.” It’s good watchin’ if you want to keep up with what the cool kids are saying. “Uh hello, planes? It’s blimps. You win.”
NETWORK NEWS: For those of you who aren’t prone to clicking on our feature buttons, the new Uproxx homepage is a great way to waste more time at work. Today’s article is How to Keep Your Grandparents Safe Online, which I liked because it makes fun of old people. And yesterday I wrote about how to get lectured by unfunny Internet commenters. For the foreseeable future, I’ll be writing 1-2 features every week. Bookmark it.