Jack Bauer Learns That Copious Alcohol Consumption Is The Mole

This picture isn’t actually from last night, but as far as photo documentation of Drunk Jack Bauer goes, nothing can really approach it.

About last night, though.

[Kiefer] Sutherland [was] driven to Stringfellows lapdancing club, where an insider said: “He went bananas, shouting nonsense and dancing like Peter Crouch before kicking off when asked to leave.”

[...] He [fell] into the street outside his hotel, giggling and with his jacket unbuttoned.

Jack’s girlfriend was killed in the most recent episode of 24. This is perfect — now we get to see what Season 1 denied us. His wife died, he started sobbing, the clock hit midnight, and we didn’t get to observe the immediate aftermath. This time around, we’re treated to eight bonus hours of Jack Bauer running through New York City, creating a river of terrorist/traitor blood. The least realistic thing about 24 — except, perhaps, for terrorists taking refuge in “the mountainous terrain” of Iowa — is that in spite of all the horrible things he’s endured, Jack Bauer has not yet become a raging alcoholic.

I don’t need any more plot twists from this show. I don’t need Zombie David Palmer to rise out of the waters and kill the shadowy guys in the boat from the end of Season 2. What I need is for Jack Bauer to stumble around with a bottle of Evan Williams and a crowbar, searching the streets of Manhattan for the guy who killed Renee. You know, World’s Least Competent Pervert Assassin.