Too much? Yeah, probably too much.
I’m introducing a new tag today: TOTALLY AWESOME LAWSUITS. I’ll be using it any time a former employee uses it to make outrageous claims of a former employer, claims that — whether true or not — make for an amazing story. For example, did you know that Steven Seagal employs sex slaves? It’s allegedly true, according to the civil lawsuit filed by former model Kayden Nguyen against Seagal.
When [Nguyen] arrived [in New Orleans, where Seagal films A&E's "Lawman"], the lawsuit says, she discovered that Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian “attendants” who were essentially on-call for sex — 24-seven.
On that first night, Nguyen was ushered to a secluded house where Seagal was staying with his wife and the two young women. He then proceeded to treat Nguyen as his “sex toy” despite her complaints, the lawsuit says, responding to her terror as he fondled and manhandled her by saying, “Relax, we won’t do anything special tonight … I’ll save that for another night.’”
She complained the following morning to some of the other employees, assuming that they would deliver the message to Seagal. Hours later, the lawsuit says he assaulted her again, this time forcing her to consume “illegal pills” and inflicting sexual acts on her until she sobbed…
I’m sorry, is that not normal?
The lawsuit says Nguyen told Seagal that she had to leave to meet with family members who would be suspicious if she didn’t show up. Nonetheless, he told her not to leave the house and followed her with a gun equipped with a flashlight as she went out to a waiting cab, which sped away as she jumped in the front seat…
Nguyen’s lawsuit said she could identify a “unique physiological reaction” that Seagal has to sexual arousal, which could be corroborated by the other “attendants.” The suit did not specify what that reaction is.
In Seagal’s defense, he hired a former model with a Vietnamese last name. I’m not saying it’s right to assume that hot Vietnamese women are hookers, but I’d like to think that the timelessness of lines from Full Metal Jacket are an admissible defense in court.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/226/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/1098444-scribblenauts1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/go-titans-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/03/devils_advocate_keanu_reeves_al_pacino_kevin_lomax_john_milton_734_1920x1080-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/20070426210345__dsc6949blog-150x150.jpg)
Nguyen’s lawsuit said she could identify a “unique physiological reaction” that Seagal has to sexual arousal
“His penis get learry hald, and glow to size of thlee legural penises.”
Does this guy think he is Above The Law?
Like my friend’s dad told me, those Vietnamese are Hard To Kill.
(lazy puns)
Looks like someone is … Out For Justice. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
Nguyen better watch what she says otherwise her future may include…Sudden Death.
I get down on my knees. Is this any better? Come and get some.
Without bothering to actually read the explanation, my reaction to the headline is simply, “meh, sounds about right.”
Katy Segal is gonna be pissed.
What?
And speaking of lazy puns, is that a Fender Stratocaster he’s playing in the banner pic, or a Fender FATocaster? Am I right? The ladies know what I’m talking about.
/hangs head in shame
So…he beats his wife, doesn’t pay taxes (is that right or am I confusing him with the other martial arts master – Wesley Snipes), has mafia connections, keeps sex slaves AND is an officer of the law in New Orleans. Sounds reasonable.
I’ve got to switch religions. Between this and Tiger, it’s pretty clear that Buddhist are the ones getting all the unprotected tail.
“Steven Segal’s sex slave” can’t look good on a resume.
“A unique physiological response”
“A unique physiological response”
His ponytail gets erect.
“A unique physiological response”
His facial expression changes?
At least she’s not having to pop out of birthday cakes on navy ships
“Steven Segal’s sex slave” can’t look good on a resume.”
As a recruiter, I beg to differ. I’d recommend her for a variety of positions.
He starts yodelling.
The top of his head flips open and a mouse, dressed as Captain Nemo and playing a pipe organ, rises from within.
If this chick doesn’t STFU and drop this lawsuit, she’s going to be Marked for Death.
/continues lazy puns
Something something Half Past Dead something.
I hope he used a condom, or she is in for some Fire Down Below.
see? he’s a good guy. he stopped when she started crying.
look for Anderson Cooper’s Katrina aftermath story featuring this shitwad. good tv.
You just got served, Nic Cage.
Oh yeah, the running joke….um….that girl represents a CLEAR AND PRESENT-wait a sec. He wasn’t in that one.
Okay, just replace it with INSERT TITLE OF STRAIGHT-TO-DVD FLICK HERE. Whatever.
Russian Sex Slaves….it was justified.
You can’t get mad at the Patriot, he just has Fire down Below. Nguyen should be careful, or she might be Under Siege with Pistol Whipped, leaving her Half Past dead, resulting in Urban Justice.