TOO MUCH ’80S AWESOMENESS FOR 1 VIDEO

A couple days ago, I wrote about how the “Hart to Hart” opening credits were a compilation of what I want my life to be. People seem to enjoy revisiting the excess of ’80s television, so let’s end the week with a magnificent homage to fast cars, tropical settings, and mustaches. That’s right: embedded below in one grand video are the opening credits to “Simon & Simon,” “Magnum, P.I.,” and “Miami Vice.”

The “Simon & Simon” credits do justice to the brothers-who-are-very-different-and-are-private-eyes premise. It’s clear that Gerald McRaney likes trucks and camouflage, while his younger brother prefers feathering his hair and looking preppy. It’s also rife with homoerotic overtones, and it’s hard to take seriously — UNTIL THE FLAMETHROWER! YES!

Then the video shifts to shooting testosterone straight into your eyeballs: “Magnum P.I.” Shirtless Tom Selleck with a gun. A cannon. A helicopter. A Ferrari. Bikinis. Underwater scuba fight. And most importantly, the mustache by which all other mustaches are judged. (Also in there: a smoothly edited guest appearance from an Internet sensation.)

Finally, like the groundbreaking show itself, the “Miami Vice” credits are a departure from the norm, as none of the series’ stars appear in them. But it’s still good watchin’: Palm trees! Windsurfing! Tits! Jai alai! (Jai alai?) Race cars! Speed boats! Other fast crap! More tits!

With the notable exception of “CSI: Miami,” no cop/P.I. show on TV today has credits that can touch these. What is there, “Law & Order”? Please, dogs hate that music. And so should you.