24 (Fox) — Series finale. Jack Bauer finally meets his demise when he goes head-to-head with Kung Fu Bear. Well, maybe not, but if he DOES die I think a badass wild animal should be the thing to do it. Otherwise, I want the series to end with Jack getting a retirement party thrown for him, and everybody’s saying, “Where’s Jack? Have you seen him?” Then it cuts to him sound asleep, clutching a teddy bear. Or a blow-up doll. Or a bazooka. Or all three.
The Bachelorette (ABC) — Season 6 premiere. Guhhhh. I don’t know, perhaps my gender influences my opinions here, but there’s something darkly comic about 25 women getting catty for whichever hunk of meat ABC rolls out for them in “The Bachelor.” When the situation’s reversed, I have a hard time believing that at least ten guys aren’t trying to leave after the first night on “The Bachelorette.”
Rules of Engagement (CBS) — Season finale. Actually, it’s the season finale for each of the four CBS sitcoms tonight, but I chose to highlight “Rules” because this is the fourth season. I repeat: “Rules of Engagement” has been on the air for four years. Yes, that’s as many as one more than “Arrested Development.” In other news: life still not fair.
Law & Order (NBC) — Series finale. It’s really too bad the finale had to be tonight, when “24″ gets the lead-off spot. I really wanted to use this Photoshop again.
Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Let’s see, the three finalists are all stars with previous dance/choreography experience: Erin Andrews (attractive woman), Nicole Scherzinger (attractive woman), and Evan Lysacek. Ladies and gentlemen, your new Dancing with the Stars champion… Evan Lysacek!