Danger Guerrero here. Matt will be back for one more post, then I’m back for the Weekend Preview. It’ll be like “My Two Dads,” but if that show starred Face and Murdock from “The A-Team.” And instead of sharing a daughter, they fought crime. In a van. With Mr. T and a cigar-chomping mastermind. Other than that, totally like “My Two Dads.”
Earlier this week, Tiffani Thiessen and her husband, some a-hole, celebrated the birth of their first child. Give us the exclusive details, PEOPLE Magazine:
Tiffani Thiessen and husband Brady Smith have a reason to celebrate!
The couple welcomed their first child, daughter Harper Renn Smith, on Tuesday in Los Angeles, her rep tells PEOPLE exclusively.
Baby Harper, who weighed in at 8 lbs., 3 oz., is “doing great,” as are the new parents.
Ok, two thoughts. Number one, a baby harper would suck. With its stupid, chubby little arms, there’s no way it could reach all the strings. Number two, *circles June 15, 2028 on calendar* *apparently owns 240 month calendar*.
As Warming Glow’s resident “Saved by the Bell” expert, I could go on for thousands of words about my love of Kelly Kapowski. She was my first real serious TV crush. When she was in that green bathing suit in the Malibu Sands episodes, a preteen DG was happily confused by the feelings coming from his loins. I died a little whenever she ended up with some douche, like Jeff (*grits teeth angrily*) or pedophile lawyer Brian Hanson, in the four-part extravaganza “Hawaiian Style.” (She was 17. He couldn’t have been younger than 30. I’ve done the math.) My infatuation continues to this day – I’ve had a standing birthday request for the last dozen years for someone to get me the life-size cutout picture of her that Zack kept in his closet.
So as excited as I am for Tiffani to experience the joys of motherhood, I’m conflicted. It should have been MY baby she was having. Although, then I’d end up in prison for trying to harm my child in a jealous rage. NO ONE SUCKLES THOSE NIPPLES BUT ME! I’LL KILL YOU, VELOCIRAPTOR KAPOWSKI-GUERRERO!
After the jump, a mesmerizing GIF of Kelly from the scene the banner pic is taken from:
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/51/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/KELLYKAPOWSKI-150x150.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/03/worksbtb-150x150.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/Kate-2-150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/12/sbtb2-150x150.jpg)
you need help my friend.
actually, who am i kidding. i completely understand where you are coming from.
The day the Doctor finished sewing up her add-on tits should be a national holiday. Fuck curing polio. That’s the greatest day in medical history.
Pretty damn selfish if you ask me, seeing as how her parents already can barely support her or her six siblings.
If it helps get rid of your crush
She probably shit herself while giving birth.
@ Crabapple
It does not help.
That kid will never be hungry. She could feed a village with those funbags.
Yeah, if the kid wants a diet of silicone.
Danger
I am the proud president of the “Kelly Kapowski’s Future Husband Club.” Founded August 20, 1989, KKFHC strives to get it’s members (okay, me) down the aisle and into wedded bliss (aka legit pussy) with Kelly Kapowski. If you’re interested in becoming a member, or reading the pamphlet I made on the back of the restraining order with crayons, just send a SASE and $50 to:
Pretzelman
Pretzelman’s Treefort
The Oaktree Behind His Mom’s House
Cleveland, Ohio 44107
Oh leave Kelly alone!
/goes home
//masturbates with Buddy Bands
///calls wife “Mama”
Something I just noticed…
Baby Harper, who weighed in at 8 lbs., 3 oz., is “doing great,”
Who gave that quote, the fucking baby?
I also suffered from TAT obsession, but then I realised she did nothing to warrant my attention.
Fastlane? That sucked.
My first crush as well (well ok, it was a tie between her and Winnie Cooper). Only thing is, I wasn’t a preteen when I watched this show. I was more like 6 lol. I blame the 2 of them for my love of brunettes over blondes.
Baby Harper, who weighed in at 8 lbs., 3 oz Ouch! That should end the crush right there…ruined. Just sayin.
@ Smegga
I also suffered from TAT obsession, but then I realised she did nothing to warrant my attention.
That sounds like a Motley Crue lyric.
Kelly Kapowski was a lot of fun to masturbate over. I, too was exhilarated by the thought of suckling her nipples. Her debut day working at the beach had a borderline pornographic moment when her nips got super-hard from the cold and severely started poking out through her green one-piece swimsuit. It was the first time I’d seen her with nipple erections, and it got me so excited I felt completely dizzy and weak. She was beautiful.